shit talk is the secret to friendship!

by addisonschwarz

April will forever be known as one of the shittest months of the year. It is impossibly cold, too dark, and just fuckin’ windy. Yet, this past April of 2021, its title of shittest month of the year took on a whole new meaning. 

Me and five of my most trusted friends, held each other’s hands and walked with our heads held high into uncharted territory; poop maps. It is an app that allows users to log every bowel movement they excrete, and share it with their fellow league members. Each log is composed of the geographical location, a rating out of 5 stars and a comment to describe the experience. The simple application asks the users to vocalize some of their most vulnerable moments and share it with those they hold dear. 

With our six month anniversary approaching, I sat down with my friends to reflect on the over 680 shits we have taken as a collective. As follows are the thoughts and memories of kingpoopfairy (KPF), CarolsOhYeah (COY), gummyroach (GR), and sesameseeds (SS). 

Me: Thanks so much for meeting me here. I felt that the mystery hallway bathroom in Given was the most appropriate place for this interview. I’d like to start by asking what your expectations were when the idea was first pitched.

sam stillman

GR: I thought it was gonna be kinda fun! Until, I saw that you could add an image attachment…  then the first pic anyone added was of the joker. 

SS: Joker aside, I immediately knew it was gonna be a fun bonding experience over our silly little bowel movements, because what’s more emotionally connective than your most private moments?

Me: Very interesting. It seems some of you knew exactly what was in store for you while others had some surprises along the way. Do you think you could sum up this experience in one word? 

KPF: fruitful 

Me: Amazing adjective choice. I’m getting a general consensus that this was a bonding experience for all of you. Would you recommend it to the general public?

COY: I mean it’s a little weird, so you gotta be good with the weirdness. But I think that we as a general population should talk about poop more. So… yeah!

KPF: you have to be funny though, or else it gets… tainted. Loses its charm. 

Me: You’re suggesting having an affinity for poop humor is a requirement for being a Poop Map user? Do you have any highlights you’d like to share with us?

GR: Mine has to be “welcome to shart nation <3 Someone flushed a bug down the toilet and it was still alive so I quite literally shidded on that little crawler.”

KPF: My favorite is one of GR’s “pretty boring but i’m reading fanfiction on the toilet. so happy for gay people!”

Me: Wow those sure are descriptions of pooping. Thank you all for taking the time to share your stories. You are all worthy of the porcelain throne you sit upon. Peace be with you.

Categories: fireside chats, samantha stillman, sept. 28, vol 25

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