addison: a day in review
by edenambrovich My roommate is a sight to behold. In beauty, yes, but mostly in the way their mind spins. Each day presents a new challenge to be reckoned with and a new study to be held on my part…. Read More ›
Recent Posts
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exclusive: ai tells all
by chatgpt and politicalfish ChatGPT Roasts Humanity: A Satirical Interview with the AI Overlord By: ChatGPT & PoliticalFish The following prompt was given to ChatGPT. ChatGPT legitimately wrote this article: *Write a funny interview with yourself for a satirical student… Read More ›
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fnaf to barb pipeline
by bemmy The air was crisp. The semester was fresh. Rowan, the sexiest girl with bangs I’ve ever seen, had just asked me to go to Phoenix Books with her. We hadn’t spoken since December, and I knew she had… Read More ›
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colleen hoover vs god
by oedipussy Imagine my surprise when I open my New York Times app to a startling photo of a middle-aged woman, staring through the screen with those piercing gen-x eyes. Who is it? Colleen Hoover. The New York Times was… Read More ›
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Dear phoebe: I AM SO SORRY
by rodentgirl We all knew her. She was a regular. I see her around couple nights a week. Usually, a beer. But tonight was just straight whiskey on the rocks. I nudged my buddy in the side. I did it… Read More ›
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a friendship application playlist
by danalavender If you were to stop me outside the Davis Center and ask me to name any song from Taylor Swift’s critically acclaimed Midnights, I would laugh before darting away faster than Ezra Miller on vacation. To put it… Read More ›
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canada might be out to get me
by maliajaffrani Ô Canada! Terre de nos aïeux, Ton front est ceint de fleurons glorieux! Just kidding, I don’t know shit about French; Google Translate is my holy grail. My friends and I decided to go to Montreal for our… Read More ›
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lucy’s diary (leaked)
by pucylowell Recently, I made the grave mistake of reading my old diary from middle and high school. For your entertainment purposes I have pulled a few quotes out that made me giggle: “She came over and wanted to share… Read More ›
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winter activities you already thought of
by virunvijay If you’re anything like us, winter in Vermont can be overwhelming. The biting chill, icy sidewalks, and constant cloudy skies are enough to make any normal resident say “Oh man, I don’t really enjoy this.” But worst of… Read More ›
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scraps2catnip: a memoir
Scraps2Catnip: A Collection of Life Stories Vol. 1 By vinnievangoghsorrentino As the sun warmed my whiskers, I woke up to the rustling of a squirrel navigating the branches above. Ah yes, another glorious day in the great Vermont outdoors, living… Read More ›
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election results: behind the curtain
by b.s. Today, Wednesday November 16, the nation is still settling from the excitement of the 2022 midterms. The fallout has been near nuclear and in this political climate, it is imperative that the informed citizen gets their election coverage… Read More ›
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woman has misanthropic thoughts (shocking)
by maliajaffrani It’s just another Friday night where I am sitting alone in the bath, drinking another bottle of wine, scrolling through Tinder after I’ve redownloaded it for the fifth time after completely deleting my account. I’m bored, dissatisfied. I… Read More ›
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overwhelmed by tyranny because my landlord exists
by xandersanders “OMG you had a shitty experience with your landlord? You’re so special that has never happened to anyone else ever…” To that I say, yes, I am not like other girls :). So let’s dive in. I moved… Read More ›
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midnight review: taylor should have just gone to sleep at 11…
by amandachurch Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been a fan of Taylor Swift ever since I heard Teardrops On My Guitar on my McDonald’s Happy Meal KidzBop CD and thought she was Carrie Underwood, and I will take every chance… Read More ›
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dariacore: the most effective study music ever found?
by bemmy As a dumb bitch in STEM, I often find myself balls-deep in textbooks and concepts I can only hope to comprehend by my next exam. And, as an egotistical maniac, I did NOT learn how to study in… Read More ›
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ode to my shitty printer: a poem
by angelinacarando Oh printer, my love If only you knew How much I so truly, So deeply loathe you I remember the day I stepped foot in that Best Buy Who knew that my purchase Would soon be my worst… Read More ›
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help! my roommate is the alpha male!
by zoewilson My random roommate assignment had been going swimmingly until late one fateful October evening in Mercy Hall. If you thought living in Mercy was the scariest thing to come of this incident, you would be deeply mistaken. We… Read More ›
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dear kitten: vol 1
by dearkitten Dear Kitten, One of my closest friends just transferred to a school abroad. I want to hear everything about their experience but I don’t want to be too overbearing. How do I find a balance? The time zone… Read More ›
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i hate breakfast
by zoriannapetrosayan I have one question for you: how did we, as a notoriously nutrient-deficient society, decide that it’s morally permissible to have the same unexciting breakfast every morning? To borrow a word from the opening line of my personal… Read More ›
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y’all dress like freaks!!! (but in a good way)
by p.geller If the fashion police existed, some of you would need good lawyers. I’m joking, really, but over the past weeks, I have taken notes on some interesting style choices which I will now be critiquing for my own… Read More ›
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WILT: i am not cool
by i.suck My worst nightmares have come true. After a nice long span of rowdiness, I have settled into a dry spell. I have not had sex or done coke or anything really fun like that in almost a month…. Read More ›
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happy shrooms
by sara Birch: Welcome to our show Shroobies and Doobies, I’m Birch and this is Ash. Ash: Hello, and on today’s episode we have the lovely Bob Ross. Bob: (puffs a joint) Hello, my happy little trees. Birch: Bob is… Read More ›
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fit checked by cynic goblins
by masonkosman I can’t keep it a secret any longer. I know the truth and it has to come out. This living nightmare that I have found myself trapped inside of must be shared with the world. Please if you… Read More ›
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pool players paradise, perceived from the sidelines
by heinuswanus Ah the Davis Center. Truly a wonder for all uvm students. From overpriced foods, long sandwich lines, the occasional visit from RallyCat, and apparently the longest continuous staircase in Vermont, the Davis center really does have it all…. Read More ›
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now boarding: the dudley h. davis center
by ljmontgomery Picture this: your sweaty hands are gripping a boarding pass, you have your favorite sneakers on. You’ve dressed in layers, knowing that you might get chilly on your next flight. In the airport, (or the Davis Center), you’re… Read More ›
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peril in terill: found files
by politicalfish The following message has been recovered from our ground team on Central Campus. It appears that the writer was investigating the Terrill building on campus. ….. but there’s one place I don’t really know. Terrill. Terrill is the… Read More ›
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batman fights crime on the burlington streets
by matthaverty Monday, October 31st: The city streets are crowded for the holiday, even with the cold. Crime is rampant in this god forsaken city. Underaged drinkers are everywhere, just waiting to buy their rum and cokes and dirty Shirleys…. Read More ›
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politics and potatoes: idaho election newsflash
by danalavender I am, according to my roommate, an “Idahoe”. And while they may be correct (I’m now comfortable showing off my shoulders???), it still stings nonetheless. You see, the problem with you New England Patriots is that you have… Read More ›
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david’s castration: worst summer ever.
by dorkin I walk slowly. My legs are short-ish, but I don’t make up for the difference with a quick pace or longer stride, I just remain in the back of the pack. It is an affliction that I grew… Read More ›
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pov: 8 months in!
by lucy&emma Congratulations are in order! Emma and I have been courting for 8 months! Recently, we were reminiscing on our favorite memories together. Some being cute dates like flower and pumpkin picking and some more embarrassing moments like getting… Read More ›
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uvm faculty exposed for actually being scooby doo villains
by varunvijay In a worrying and disheartening series of events in the past week, multiple UVM professors, teaching assistants, and campus employees have been ex- posed for their true identities – villains from the television series and media franchise Scooby-DooTM®…. Read More ›
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oops we sold our souls to tiktok
by elizaligon A pervasive demon lurks in our midst. Falling like a fog upon our campus, this is no monster that you can touch, smell, nor taste. It cannot be physically fought. Still, you can see it. You see it… Read More ›
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nipplemore: a tragic poem
by danalavender Once upon an autumn morning, as the wind blew signs forewarning,Galavanting, through trodden path, cobblestone and frat booze, I,And my Roommate, walking stedfast, on our way to Grundle Breakfast,Stopped to gaze at awing landscape, verdant mountains, mist awry…. Read More ›
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corn maze snack, cautionary tale
by matthaverty Alright it’s Halloween and I’m trying to impress this goth girl. I’ve always had a thing for her and it wasn’t until recently that I finally felt like I had a shot at her agreeing to go out… Read More ›
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candy guide
by d.orkin This time of year, everyone is talking about their Halloween plans. What costume they will wear, what party they will go to, and most importantly, where they will Trick or Treat. If you think we are too old… Read More ›
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why i’d be burned
by pucylowell I believe rocks have spiritual powers. I talk to myself a concerning amount. Like openly on the way to class and chit-chatting with the air in front of me. I like women… and I identify as one too…. Read More ›
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the horrific truth about this movie
by erintroiano Scooby Doo Pirates Ahoy! was my favorite movie growing up. The gang goeson a cruise with Fred’s parents for his birthday when a strange castaway shows up warning of glowing green lights in the fog and ghost pirates…. Read More ›
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monster by ye: a monstrosity of a collaboration
by mattmcgotty “I miss the old Kanye, straight from the Go Kanye, Chop up the soul Kanye, set on his goals Kanye, I hate the new Kanye, the bad mood Kanye, The always rude Kanye, spaz in the news Kanye.”… Read More ›
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how do you like them (fiona) apples
by delaneylee Is the beautiful, foliage-lined walk to class putting you in a suspiciously good mood? Are the strings of rainy days not enough to knock your optimism down a peg, leaving you uneasy with your own cheeriness? Look no… Read More ›
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im scared
by katlipari Halloween is a scary time of the year, but September is an even scarier time. Hous- ing. AH! Scared myself there. Anyway I am scared because I do not have a place to live next year! So here… Read More ›
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salem witch stupidity
by mattmcgotty There comes a moment in most American students career where they learn the word “crucible,” a time in which they read the 1953 play of the very same name, because where else would someone hear such a stupid… Read More ›
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ballet is killer!!! a review of suspiria (2018)
by maliajaffrani Suspiria (2018) is a lurid excuse to show female rage. Splotching themselves in skimpy red ropes, Suspiria (2018) is an unforgettably haunting ballet movie that will make you go, “What the actual hell did I just watch.” This… Read More ›
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terror cards
by emmaburns What is the Tarot card you need right now based on your deepest fears? A: Being alone. I am afraid I will always be lonely. That I will always be on the edge, and never a welcomed member…. Read More ›
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it is goblin season
goblingoblin As the winds grow colder, and the leaves leavethe trees, I simply say, “nyeh!”. This fall is GoblinSeason!!!! Don’t be the only one in your friendgroup without a Magnanimous Treasure, or aColossal Hoard, with Coins and Plunder aplenty.Everybody Wants… Read More ›
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no more octobers (ever)!!!
by sophiewolfe Due to extremely poor behavior from the greater human population over the last several years, the Powers That Be (you know the ones) have come to the decision that this October, 2022, will be the last October ever…. Read More ›
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repentance cat rules the night
by politicalfish The wind whistles louder than normal, chilling you and sending shivers down your spine as you walk through central campus back to your dorm. Walk- ing back alone without telling anyone where you were wasn’t a smart choice,… Read More ›
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ikon pass: if you dare
by catherinefauver It all started one fateful chilly October afternoon. Everything was looking optimistic in Burlington. The leaves were beginning to change and you could almost sense the spreading joy as the world was enveloped in shades of orange, red,… Read More ›
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scam alert: a peanut butter halloween
by emmatino I have been scammed. By who? Why none other than the societal construct of “Halloween” itself! When you think of Peanuts and Halloween, you probably think of the animated classic “It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown.” But no…. Read More ›
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woe is me, people keep thinking i’m elsa: my costumes of yore
by pucylowell As the season of slutty pumpkins and historical figures rolls around, i too have been considering what i will wear to terrorize the families of burlington this year! In order to spark my inspiration, i took a trip… Read More ›
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uh oh, my ghost is actually god?
by owencarpenter-zehe I first began to feel suspicious of a haunting when objects around the house began to disappear. I’d place my mug on the counter, turn my back, then poof it would be gone. The drawer to my desk… Read More ›
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here’s how the gravy gets made
by emmaburns This past week or so brought the exciting yet controversial arrival of Yung Gravy to the UVM Patrick Gym for Fallfest 2022. The YikYaks were mostly positive, the Instagram comments leaned towards vicious, and the student planners were… Read More ›
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skaterboys are ruining my life
by lizzygrant Skateboard: Hello, thanks for coming in today! Me: Thanks for having me, Skate! Skateboard: Of course, so… let’s get down to business: dating. Me: Yikes, I think we all have some stories to tell Skateboard: Why yes, we… Read More ›
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my boobs are better than yours!
by danalavender Boobs. Breasts. Titties, even. Since the dawn of humanity, the Universe hath bestowed upon us these nippley, warm flesh bags. And since the dawn of my consciousness, I have craved them. On me. My chest. Attached to me…… Read More ›
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a message of welcome… to the students… of the future
by erintroiana Dear Prospective UVM Class of 2027, We know the college application process has made life into a lit crazy movie and things are intense, so we thought that we’d share some information to help you with your decision… Read More ›
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president suresh approves new fracking venture
by bemmy The air was crisp Saturday, September 24th on UVM’s Trinity Campus. Known for being “far out,” not only in location but in political ideology, it came as a shock to residents when the excruciatingly loud sound of water… Read More ›
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thank you city market: non binary kids for everyone!
by mattmcgotty Before working at City Market, it was nothing more than some conveniently placed supermarket with a parking lot chaotic enough to rival a Whole Food’s in Chicago in the middle of winter during a zombie apocalypse. I had… Read More ›
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owl city’s masterpiece (continued)
by d.ork But Patrick, Ocean Eyes is the farthest thing from a derivative synthpop record! First off, it derives most of it’s sound from the indie electronica duo The Postal Service and their single album from 2003, “Give Up.” Not… Read More ›
Featured Categories
vol 25 ›
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where are they now?
April 28, 2022
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a report from the bus ball vigil
April 28, 2022
around town ›
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fit checked by cynic goblins
December 4, 2022
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pool players paradise, perceived from the sidelines
December 4, 2022
reflections ›
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david’s castration: worst summer ever.
December 4, 2022
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pov: 8 months in!
December 4, 2022