eat girl scouts

by saraj & haileep

Girl Scouts. Girl scout cookies. Cookies. We know them, we see them everywhere. They are a college student’s kryptonite. They’re your uncle’s secret addiction. They’re traded for weed. They’re paired with your finest red wine. Featured in films and advertisements, they’re a subliminal message. But who are these Girl Scouts? And how does a Girl Scout come to be? You sell yourself to the Girl Scout gods. No, not actually. Girl Scouts are originally from a far away planet called Thinmintopia and have inhabited Earth since the year 1396 B.C. (Before Cookies). These girls have been associated with the human race for eons,despite not being fully human themselves. They have the technology to be able to influence one’s subconscious so that everyone always loves them. These Girl Scouts go far back in history– alongside Joan of Arc, in sketches by Da Vinci, and even in cave paintings! The Girl Scouts started breeding with the human race and have since developed a maternal inheritance gene (named GS0C2) that is passed down every few generations to select girls who will be born as Girl Scouts. These girls are ambitious creatures, with the strength of that of a grizzly bear, and speed similar to a cheetah, you do not want to mess with these girls! They prepare and train throughout their childhood to earn the title of girl scout and eventually join the Girl Scout forces, which is a basic military training in summer campgrounds. 

From the months of June to early August, these Scouts are put to the test for their badge collection– from timed obstacle courses, to saving grannies walking across the street, and lifting twice their weight, these girls also learn the culture behind being a Girl Scout. They attend a gathering once a week, at 5:24 on Saturday evenings, they gather with their offerings– which can be anything such as drawings or fresh flowers and cookies, and they burn these offerings in an outdoor campfire, right below the constellation Wagon Wheel, which surrounds their faraway home Thinmintopia. Afterwards, they talk of the news, upcoming events, and recently the blackmailing of Martha Stewart, since she recently tried to outshine the girls in a baking competition, (curse you Martha Stewart!).  Some of the older camp counselors (or commanders, or sergeants, or colonels…) tend to end their day with a nice packed joint, the weed is campgrown. The science behind Girl Scouts is in their lab, where they perform various tests on their cookies to improve their addiction rate by increasing the dopamine release. Hence, the line for their cookies becomes longer and basically just people tossing wads of money at the girls and hoarding their boxes of cookies. Their end goal is to take over the planet, which they are probably closer to than Elon Musk. This empire has been built over the course of centuries, yet no one knows about it since they’re so secretive. 

Now don’t even get me started on the Boy Scouts…

Categories: April Fools 2023

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