the ipad kid

by d.orkin

The room was bathed in the golden sunlight of Sunday morning. The pancake house was filled with the crowd of the weekend, mostly hungover from a vibrant Saturday night. There was a pungent coffee and sugar scent wafting through the cluttered dining tables as items were brought in and out from the dirty, health inspection failing kitchen. This vision of America is difficult to stomach, and Timmy was struggling with this image and the increasing demands of his social and economic life as he entered the second grade. This stress usually resulted in him breaking down and crying the minute he had to sit still and interact with this mess, but early on his parents found a way to put a sock in this distress and enjoy a nice, quiet morning at IHop. The solution was the IPad.

The IPad was released in 2010 and since then it has sold 500 million units. It was pitched to the world as a tablet with the infinite possibilities of a smartphone, but in a convenient and accessible large tablet form factor. This made it the perfect device for small children to get their slimy hands all over. After the image of small kids sitting at restaurant tables and airports with a screen bigger than their head entered everyone’s mind, the idea of the iPad kid was born.

Timmy was one of the children to fall into this unfortunate pattern, and his parents were thankful. That was one less thing to deal with. But sitting there at the table, Timmy didn’t realize what he was missing. It was only until a bowl of soup stewing at the edge of a nearby table was accidentally knocked to the ground that he had any mind to wake up from his trance.

The effect was startling. Timmy was almost blinded by the natural light that once could not compete with the screen. He was confused by the stock images with culinary themes littered on the walls. And he was entranced by the curly steam lifting up from his mother’s coffee mug.

“Where….are….we?” He muttered slowly, as if he was waking from a two week coma.

His mother’s fork clattered abruptly on the plate.

“Timmy, sweety, what’s wrong?” She knew what was about to happen. An iPad kid cannot be separated from their iPad. To quit the habit they must be slowly phased out. This sudden and spontaneous severance from Timmy’s lifeline was bound to create chaos. And his mother knew this as she observed the tears well up in Timmy’s eyes.

“Timmy, why don’t you get back on your iPad.” She tried to remedy the situation. But it was too late.

“WAHHHHH!!! I DON’T LIKE IT HERE!!!” The shrill noise of Timmy’s yell reverberated throughout the restaurant. His mother covered her face in her hands in extreme embarrassment. “WAAAAHHHH!!! MY WAFFLE DOESN’T TASTE GOOD!!!”

Suddenly the other customers in the room slowly began to shift their attention to Timmy’s table. They are used to remarking on an iPad kid and thinking, “Oh, this generation of children will turn out so horrible. They cannot survive without a giant screen in front of them,” but now they were witnessing it in action, and it was worse than they thought. Timmy did not seem to know how to behave or function properly in society. His mother looked worse, and most of the eyes were on her as the wailing continued.

She stood up and yelled, “Listen people of iHop! Yes, my son is an iPad kid, but what do you imagine I’m supposed to do when he won’t shut up unless he has his iPad! Don’t judge me, blame the ones who made this terrible device, and forced it into all of our hands!”

Timmy continued to yell, “WAAAAHHHH!!!! I HATE BRUNCH!!!”

Categories: April Fools 2023, d.orkin, wt staff

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