the keefler elf

by oedipussy

Once upon a time, deep in the Redstone pines, amid undergraduate stoners in five-panel hats and rainbow hammock lovers lived the kingpin of the forest: The Kiefler Elf. At a stature of 420 millimeters, The Kiefler Elf, or TKE as his buddies knew him, was a peculiar creature. His ashy white beard and glazed red eyes gave him the facade of innocence, but under all of that, he was the leader of a highly organized drug production ring. Legend says that TKE is responsible for Rallycats’s secret molly addiction. Did your hallmate break a window while on Ketamine? Or did your roommate chip her tooth after a coke-fueled night of partying? Where do you think they got it from? That’s right, none other than the little man who lived in the trees. 

His home rested in the trunk of the tallest tree in the woods. His door was painted black with a brass, snake-shaped knocker, and sat behind a collection of disordered shrubbery. A menacing “back the fuck off” sign sat next to the towering pine, painted in ominous red letters. Upon entering the magical being’s lair, the aroma of freshly baked pot brownies wafts through the air. In the main room, an orange shag carpet and a Craigslist couch, in front of a classy pulp fiction poster. The coffee table, only a few inches off the ground, holds a plethora of needles, a neon green bong, and a plate of…fudge stripes. The Kiefler Elf’s home looked exactly like every drug dealer from your tiny hometown who dropped out of school to sell fake carts to depressed 15-year-olds, but more whimsical. Amid dime bags and gram scales, TKE boasted jars of fairy dust, floral wooden clogs, and an impressive collection of hand-knit beanies.


One night, as the snow flurried down and the students sheltered in place, the sounds of crashing and banging could be heard from The Kiefler Elf’s abode in the trees. No one can say for sure what happened that fateful night, but the tale is as follows…

(The lights had all gone out, and somehow, nobody had a lighter. A crash came loudly from the kitchen of TKEs secret meth lab, followed by an explosion. The Kiefler Elf and his army of iridescent beetles came running into the room, anxiously awaiting what they would find. The room was in shambles, and the batch was ruined. The Kiefler elf lost his temper. Gold chain swinging on his pump belly. TKE gave the moronic beetle a piece of his mind. )

“I have built this goddamn business from the goddamn ground up, and here you are, thinking you’ve got some kind of power? You haven’t got the slightest idea of what it takes to be successful. You and all of you godforsaken insects scurry around this place day after day, like you own the place! Who do you think you are-” 

All of a sudden, a shot rang out. Louder than the campus trash service or the Burlington airforce base, the sound of the bullet echoes off the walls. Someone, somewhere, somehow, had shot The Kiefler Elf. And so there his little factory sat abandoned. Meth and blood decorated the walls, and the shag carpet destroyed. They say that if you find just the right tree, you can still hear TKE’s menacing chuckle with the breeze.

Categories: April Fools 2023, bemmy, oedipussy

%d bloggers like this: