by addisonschwarz & edenambrovich The autumn winds have shifted into winter snowfall, and with the bitter cold biting our skin, we embark on the end of this scholastic chapter. While most of you will be continuing your journey here at… Read More ›
Vol 27
ta stands for “tell-all”
by girlprofessor Being a teaching assistant in an undergraduate English course is not unlike being Vice President of the United States of America. You have no real power whatsoever, but you have to look amazing and you cannot sound stupid… Read More ›
the news in brief
George Santos This past Friday, the girls and the gays alike let out the resounding call “DIVA DOWN” as George Santos was expelled from the US House of Representatives. George will be remembered for his effortless cunty media presence and… Read More ›
lawmakers advance in renaming the state formerly known as “connecticut”
by XjerseymamasX WASHINGTON D.C—On one fateful Tuesday, last April, Lawmakers voted unanimously to rename the state formerly known as, “Connecticut.” The Constitution State has been left nameless since its fate was sealed in the chambers of congress last spring,… Read More ›
new business class just dropped
by paigemann
jared leto climbs the empire state building
by owencarpenter-zehe NEW YORK CITY, NY—The Water Tower News Important News Division,—Jared Leto, famed Gucci suit spokesperson, climbed the Empire State Building on Thursday, November 9th, 2023. This is important news. Mr. Leto performed this stunt to promote the new… Read More ›
wet aid got us soaked!
by catquest Approximately 3 weeks ago, the greatest event to grace the city of Burlington had its second run. That’s right, Wet Aid 2! This time even wetter and with twice the music! That’s right, on November 15th, the Water… Read More ›
evil bong: reloaded
by m477r1c3 My headlights break through a deep fog as I head towards the third highest point in Nelson County, Kentucky. I pass by Pappy Cecil Lane, the last turnaround before I get to a house tainted by a… Read More ›
senior thesis data
by chrtluvr69
girlington: how uvm gender disparities are affecting men
by maliajaffrani In a shocking turn of events, CBS news has released an article pertaining to the University of Vermont’s incoming class of 2027 has sparked controversy among the male population on campus. The reason? Well, brace yourselves: 69% of… Read More ›