by owencarpenter-zehe The running theory in my house is that squirrels are living happily in the walls. Yes, squirrels. The cute woodland creatures have nested deep within the Victorian-era walls of our decrepit Burlington apartment. There is currently only circumstantial… Read More ›
reflections
c.u.n.t
by mattmcgotty “She got her masters in cuntology with a concentration in motherlogical studies from the university of servington.” As I stare at the Beyonce photo, entranced, I can’t help but be distracted by the outrageous caption looming over her… Read More ›
first kill: the lesbian romance canceled too soon
by waynegretsky She was a vampire. She was a vampire hunter. Can I make it any more obvious? The women-loving-women called and Netflix answered– First Kill was born. And by God if it wasn’t the second best Teen Lesbian… Read More ›
the evil fanta… it calls me…
by paigemann I, like many of you I’m sure, was entranced by the new spooky flavor in the Central Dining Coca-Cola freestyle soda machine this halloween season. I was reluctant to try the new zero sugar mystery flavor soda due… Read More ›
spongebob’s rock bottom is scarier than yours
by heinouswanus Jump scares. Gore. Blood. Masked murderers and suburban teens being stupid. When people think of horror that is what they think of. But I have something far scarier than any of that. Let me bring you back to… Read More ›
sza killed my ex :(
by dardarbinks It was a beautiful September Sunday morning, and SZA and I decided to go to the Burlington farmer’s market. We strolled through the fallen leaves, getting some air and letting our edge out. We were tapping apple pay… Read More ›
rosh hashaNAHHHH
by abbiekopelowitz We don’t care to admit it, but we Jews are a judgmental crowd. We inherited this trait from the big man upstairs, who during our high holy holidays, judges our actions of the past year and decides if… Read More ›
zoe 180
by XjerseymamasX Faithful readers of the Water Tower may remember my brave coming out as a hey mamas lesbian on page 8 last spring. This coming out was marked with character development such as an eyebrow slit, overworn polo shirt,… Read More ›
what that mouf do???
by katlipari First of all, relax… it’s not like that. Here’s the story— this summer I got my wisdom teeth out. Classic, routine, normal, right? Well that is not so! I was very nervous. To start, the oral surgeon looked… Read More ›
david’s castration: worst summer ever.
by dorkin I walk slowly. My legs are short-ish, but I don’t make up for the difference with a quick pace or longer stride, I just remain in the back of the pack. It is an affliction that I grew… Read More ›