Daylight Savings Time: Time to Boycott Americans are angry and, like, so, so sad after the seasonal loss of daylight, resulting in a nationwide boycott of the time change. “We’re supposedly ‘saving daylight,’ but there are so many more normal… Read More ›
news
breaking: dangerous objects found in halloween candy
by m477r1c3 BURLINGTON, VT — Burlington Police Department warns public about dangerous foreign objects found in Halloween candy this year. “Trick or Treat!” a young child dressed in a hot pink inflatable Among Us crewmate costume screams. Looking up… Read More ›
jake from state farm is NOT a good neighbor
by peniskreamer LOS ANGELES, CA — On November 2nd, Jake from State Farm entered the Denny’s on Figueroa Street. He reportedly walked in “jangling” and was quickly given a table. He ordered over fifty dollars worth of food, including… Read More ›
uvm cuts housing budget to finance mini golf team
by sheabutter BURLINGTON, VT — On Sunday, the UVM Board of Trustees announced they have diverted the $100 million that was originally intended for the new “Catamount Woods” undergraduate housing towards establishing a competitive mini golf team and stadium… Read More ›
spooks in brief
Big Weekend For Party City Despite being a city of less than 50,000 people, Burlington demolished the stock at Party City. A party City P.R. representative has claimed, “This weekend saved the national company. People bought A LOT of 5ft… Read More ›
good grief! the great pumpkin is a groomer!
By danalavender BURLINGTON, VT—Halloween has historically been a holiday of great caution for parents as a dangerous environment for our local children. But forget kidnapping, forget clown murders, forget fentanyl! There’s a new monster on the loose. Local children… Read More ›
bed bugs: the scariest of them all
By pucylowell DREARY, VT—Breaking news! Today’s new story comes to you from the small town of Dreary, VT. I want to warn you that this story may disturb some readers. Our story starts with Aurora Dozing, a young… Read More ›
the clowns are back and quirkier than ever
by dardarbinks BURLINGTON, VT—Students at the University of Vermont got more than they bargained for when reports started pouring in about clowns being spotted on campus. As Halloween comes and goes, it’s normal for people to behave suspiciously—blacking out, for… Read More ›
bernie sanders hits blinkers and gropes ted cruz at theater performance
by m477r1c3 Burlington, VT – Bernie Sanders removed from Royall Tyler Theater’s Cats performance for chiefing dab pen and groping date partner Ted Cruz. A shocking scene, caught on CCTV cameras in the Royall Tyler Theater, took place Saturday… Read More ›
taylor swift is dating someone? no fucking way
by izzybee & yasschef Kansas City, Missouri- Today at Water Tower Sports News (WTSN), we report for the first time ever the sport of “football” is relevant to the mainstream. On September 24th, the one and only T-Swizzle graced fans with… Read More ›