by addisonschwarz & edenambrovich The autumn winds have shifted into winter snowfall, and with the bitter cold biting our skin, we embark on the end of this scholastic chapter. While most of you will be continuing your journey here at… Read More ›
artists
jared leto climbs the empire state building
by owencarpenter-zehe NEW YORK CITY, NY—The Water Tower News Important News Division,—Jared Leto, famed Gucci suit spokesperson, climbed the Empire State Building on Thursday, November 9th, 2023. This is important news. Mr. Leto performed this stunt to promote the new… Read More ›
girlington: how uvm gender disparities are affecting men
by maliajaffrani In a shocking turn of events, CBS news has released an article pertaining to the University of Vermont’s incoming class of 2027 has sparked controversy among the male population on campus. The reason? Well, brace yourselves: 69% of… Read More ›
my boobs are (still) better than yours!
by danalavender Guess who’s back and better than ever? Not fucking me! In 2022 my hopes were as high as Jared Leto on the Empire State Building. I was on the cusp of a B!! Carefully eyeing the Target… Read More ›
‘tacocat’ spelled backwards is ‘shut the fuck up’: a middle school memoir
by XjerseymamasX Recently, the “Pen15” trend on tiktok, and my totally, 100% normal level of liking the movie Bottoms has sent me on a trip to a specific borough of nostalagia-town. These types of media have made me feel… Read More ›
drip from the cat bus driver
by theriddler Swag, Drip, and The Sauce. All important and needed factors in everyone’s daily life. In this month of giving thanks, It’s important to remember what really matters to a massive majority of Americans: Do you have swag?… Read More ›
onomontapeis. onomontapeois. onomatopoeias.
by m477r1c3 not all noise is words and not all words are music and not all music is good. these are fundamental truths we all need to live by. i love noise! when i get high, i love noise even… Read More ›
wilt: strap-ons and other life lessons
by sesameseeds The thought of a strap-on is terrifying – no matter who you are. Lewd thoughts of a thick, veined, plastic dick squirting lotion as fake cum, or of the dragon dick phenomenon taking over TikTok flooded my mind… Read More ›
mid-semester slump
by maliajaffrani It is finally November. Happy semi-annual mid-semester slump! We have reached the time of year when 8:30 classes have become impossible, and 10:30s are pushing it. Don’t even get me started on 3:30 and 4:45 classes–those don’t… Read More ›
would you rather? (impossible edition)
by abdomen Would you rather never pet a dog again or never get married? Would you rather be a gay republican or a “fiscally conservative socially liberal” democrat? Would you rather be stuck on a stranded island… Read More ›