UVM’s alternative newsmag

Vol 26 issue 7

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  • Dear phoebe: I AM SO SORRY

    by rodentgirl We all knew her. She was a regular. I see her around couple nights a week. Usually, a beer. But tonight was just straight whiskey on the rocks. I nudged my buddy in the side. I did it harder than I should have because a welp of confusion sprung from her lips.  “I’m…

  • a friendship application playlist

    by danalavender If you were to stop me outside the Davis Center and ask me to name any song from Taylor Swift’s critically acclaimed Midnights, I would laugh before darting away faster than Ezra Miller on vacation. To put it simply – I have a very limited scope of music. Noah Kahan, The Lumineers, and…

  • canada might be out to get me

    by maliajaffrani Ô Canada!  Terre de nos aïeux,  Ton front est ceint de fleurons glorieux! Just kidding, I don’t know shit about French; Google Translate is my holy grail. My friends and I decided to go to Montreal for our wonderful friend’s 20th birthday–but we were in for a treat. I personally think that Canada…

  • lucy’s diary (leaked)

    by pucylowell Recently, I made the grave mistake of reading my old diary from middle and high school. For your entertainment purposes I have pulled a few quotes out that made me giggle: “She came over and wanted to share a seat (she is not a lesbian)…” May 1, 2015 I am. This was a…

  • addison: a day in review

    by edenambrovich My roommate is a sight to behold. In beauty, yes, but mostly in the way their mind spins. Each day presents a new challenge to be reckoned with and a new study to be held on my part. As an anthropologist, I naturally have the urge to study what is interesting about the…

  • exclusive: ai tells all

    by chatgpt and politicalfish ChatGPT Roasts Humanity: A Satirical Interview with the AI Overlord By: ChatGPT & PoliticalFish The following prompt was given to ChatGPT. ChatGPT legitimately wrote this article:  *Write a funny interview with yourself for a satirical student newspaper. It is okay to swear (though not required) or use slang. Ideally, take a…

  • fnaf to barb pipeline

    by bemmy The air was crisp. The semester was fresh. Rowan, the sexiest girl with bangs I’ve ever seen, had just asked me to go to Phoenix Books with her. We hadn’t spoken since December, and I knew she had something marvelous to divulge.  “Wanna know something I found out recently?” she asked. I nodded,…

  • colleen hoover vs god

    by oedipussy Imagine my surprise when I open my New York Times app to a startling photo of a middle-aged woman, staring through the screen with those piercing gen-x eyes. Who is it?  Colleen Hoover. The New York Times was doting a striking statistic: in 2022, more Colleen Hoover novels were sold than copies of…

  • winter activities you already thought of

    by virunvijay If you’re anything like us, winter in Vermont can be overwhelming. The biting chill, icy sidewalks, and constant cloudy skies are enough to make any normal resident say “Oh man, I don’t really enjoy this.” But worst of all might be the age-old question – what to do? The unrelenting urge to solve…

  • scraps2catnip: a memoir

    Scraps2Catnip: A Collection of Life Stories Vol. 1 By vinnievangoghsorrentino As the sun warmed my whiskers, I woke up to the rustling of a squirrel navigating the branches above.  Ah yes, another glorious day in the great Vermont outdoors, living off the grid, free from the confines of house walls.  I had been out there…

  • election results: behind the curtain

    by b.s. Today, Wednesday November 16, the nation is still settling from the excitement of the 2022 midterms. The fallout has been near nuclear and in this political climate, it is imperative that the informed citizen gets their election coverage from reputable sources, such as the water tower. Nationally, the United States saw many firsts.…

  • the long emergency: pda

    by heinuswanus PDA: public displays of affection. Or as I like to call it, ‘people in love rubbing it in everyone’s face because why the fuck not.’ Now I know what you’re thinking, and yes I am single. So is this article biased in that I am lonely, bitter, and seeing any sign of love…

  • woman has misanthropic thoughts (shocking)

    by maliajaffrani It’s just another Friday night where I am sitting alone in the bath, drinking another bottle of wine, scrolling through Tinder after I’ve redownloaded it for the fifth time after completely deleting my account. I’m bored, dissatisfied. I need something new…  I have to channel her: my inner Fleabag. Fleabag, my Lord and…

  • overwhelmed by tyranny because my landlord exists

    by xandersanders “OMG you had a shitty experience with your landlord? You’re so special that has never happened to anyone else ever…” To that I say, yes, I am not like other girls :). So let’s dive in. I moved into this apartment pretty much blind. Obviously I saw the apartment prior, but knew very…

  • midnight review: taylor should have just gone to sleep at 11…

    by amandachurch Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been a fan of Taylor Swift ever since I heard Teardrops On My Guitar on my McDonald’s Happy Meal KidzBop CD and thought she was Carrie Underwood, and I will take every chance I get to flex the fact that I got free tickets to the reputation Stadium…

  • dariacore: the most effective study music ever found?

    by bemmy As a dumb bitch in STEM, I often find myself balls-deep in textbooks and concepts I can only hope to comprehend by my next exam. And, as an egotistical maniac, I did NOT learn how to study in high school. This left me in a funny little situation; figuring out the most optimal…

  • ode to my shitty printer: a poem

    by angelinacarando Oh printer, my love If only you knew How much I so truly, So deeply loathe you I remember the day I stepped foot in that Best Buy Who knew that my purchase  Would soon be my worst buy Because here I am hopeless, Practically begging on my knees Just for you to…

  • help! my roommate is the alpha male!

    by zoewilson My random roommate assignment had been going swimmingly until late one fateful October evening in Mercy Hall. If you thought living in Mercy was the scariest thing to come of this incident, you would be deeply mistaken. We were sitting on our beds doing our homework when she let out a routine grunt…

  • dear kitten: vol 1

    by dearkitten Dear Kitten,  One of my closest friends just transferred to a school abroad. I want to hear everything about their experience but I don’t want to be too overbearing. How do I find a balance? The time zone is whack too, so once I’m out of classes and can call it’s like midnight…

  • i hate breakfast

    by zoriannapetrosayan I have one question for you: ​how did we, as a notoriously nutrient-deficient society, decide that it’s morally permissible to have the same unexciting breakfast every morning? To borrow a word from the opening line of my personal statement, it’s disheartening trying to find something to eat at the UVM dining halls that…

  • y’all dress like freaks!!! (but in a good way)

    by p.geller If the fashion police existed, some of you would need good lawyers. I’m joking, really, but over the past weeks, I have taken notes on some interesting style choices which I will now be critiquing for my own amusement.  Now I must preface that this should not be taken seriously; I am just…

  • WILT: i am not cool

    by i.suck My worst nightmares have come true. After a nice long span of rowdiness, I have settled into a dry spell. I have not had sex or done coke or anything really fun like that in almost a month. Am I not cool anymore? True though it may be that I’m still hitting the…

  • happy shrooms

    by sara Birch: Welcome to our show Shroobies and Doobies, I’m Birch and this is Ash. Ash: Hello, and on today’s episode we have the lovely Bob Ross. Bob: (puffs a joint) Hello, my happy little trees. Birch: Bob is an artist known for his show The Joy of Painting with viewers of all ages…

  • fit checked by cynic goblins

    by masonkosman I can’t keep it a secret any longer. I know the truth and it has to come out. This living nightmare that I have found myself trapped inside of must be shared with the world. Please if you have had a similar experience I need to find you. If you are out there…

  • pool players paradise, perceived from the sidelines

    by heinuswanus Ah the Davis Center. Truly a wonder for all uvm students. From overpriced foods, long sandwich lines, the occasional visit from RallyCat, and apparently the longest continuous staircase in Vermont, the Davis center really does have it all. Deep in this magnificent building however lies a true wonder. Located on the first floor…

  • now boarding: the dudley h. davis center

    by ljmontgomery Picture this: your sweaty hands are gripping a boarding pass, you have your favorite sneakers on. You’ve dressed in layers, knowing that you might get chilly on your next flight.  In the airport, (or the Davis Center), you’re either in one of two modes: man on a mission (Class in 8 minutes! Better…

  • peril in terill: found files

    by politicalfish The following message has been recovered from our ground team on Central Campus. It appears that the writer was investigating the Terrill building on campus. ….. but there’s one place I don’t really know. Terrill. Terrill is the building attached to the Davis Center that just seems like a forbidden part of Davis…

  • batman fights crime on the burlington streets

    by matthaverty Monday, October 31st: The city streets are crowded for the holiday, even with the cold. Crime is rampant in this god forsaken city. Underaged drinkers are everywhere, just waiting to buy their rum and cokes and dirty Shirleys. But I’m there too, watching. Three years of nights have turned me into a nocturnal…

  • politics and potatoes: idaho election newsflash

    by danalavender I am, according to my roommate, an “Idahoe”. And while they may be correct (I’m now comfortable showing off my shoulders???), it still stings nonetheless. You see, the problem with you New England Patriots is that you have no idea what is happening outside your little, liberal, blue-haired bubble. Hell, I’m sure half…

  • david’s castration: worst summer ever.

    by dorkin I walk slowly. My legs are short-ish, but I don’t make up for the difference with a quick pace or longer stride, I just remain in the back of the pack. It is an affliction that I grew up with. I was always in the back of the line, dragging everyone else down.…

  • pov: 8 months in!

    by lucy&emma Congratulations are in order! Emma and I have been courting for 8 months! Recently, we were reminiscing on our favorite memories together. Some being cute dates like flower and pumpkin picking and some more embarrassing moments like getting walked in on by Emma’s lovely roommate. But probably our favoritest memory together was our…

  • schumer-geddon

    by chessgod12 War, famine, death, destruction, sickness, and terror. You might be wondering what all of these things have to do with one another. Well, confused reader, allow me to give you a few hints: blonde, unfunny, the host of this year’s Oscar’s. Yep, that’s right. The one common thread linking all of these dreadful…

  • uvm faculty exposed for actually being scooby doo villains

    by varunvijay In a worrying and disheartening series of events in the past week, multiple UVM professors, teaching assistants, and campus employees have been ex- posed for their true identities – villains from the television series and media franchise Scooby-DooTM®. To start, several students noted suspicious behavior about General Chemistry TA Lewis Dahtstructer. Students instructed…

  • oops we sold our souls to tiktok

    by elizaligon A pervasive demon lurks in our midst. Falling like a fog upon our campus, this is no monster that you can touch, smell, nor taste. It cannot be physically fought. Still, you can see it. You see it in the rapidity of the trend cycle and the reduction of our attention spans. It’s…

  • nipplemore: a tragic poem

    by danalavender Once upon an autumn morning, as the wind blew signs forewarning,Galavanting, through trodden path, cobblestone and frat booze, I,And my Roommate, walking stedfast, on our way to Grundle Breakfast,Stopped to gaze at awing landscape, verdant mountains, mist awry. Suddenly, a breeze, bit chilly, with some wisps acting quite frilly,Gently passed along my skin,…

  • corn maze snack, cautionary tale

    by matthaverty Alright it’s Halloween and I’m trying to impress this goth girl. I’ve always had a thing for her and it wasn’t until recently that I finally felt like I had a shot at her agreeing to go out with me. I painted my nails black recently and I feel like that was the…

  • candy guide

    by d.orkin This time of year, everyone is talking about their Halloween plans. What costume they will wear, what party they will go to, and most importantly, where they will Trick or Treat. If you think we are too old for this timeless tradition, you are wrong. The thing college students love more than anything…

  • why i’d be burned

    by pucylowell I believe rocks have spiritual powers. I talk to myself a concerning amount. Like openly on the way to class and chit-chatting with the air in front of me. I like women… and I identify as one too. I heard this didn’t work well in your favor. The whole ice-cube-in-the-toilet-spoon-under-your-pillow is a guaranteed…

  • the horrific truth about this movie

    by erintroiano Scooby Doo Pirates Ahoy! was my favorite movie growing up. The gang goeson a cruise with Fred’s parents for his birthday when a strange castaway shows up warning of glowing green lights in the fog and ghost pirates. No one took him seriously until it’s too late and the entire ship, including Fred’s…

  • monster by ye: a monstrosity of a collaboration

    by mattmcgotty “I miss the old Kanye, straight from the Go Kanye, Chop up the soul Kanye, set on his goals Kanye, I hate the new Kanye, the bad mood Kanye, The always rude Kanye, spaz in the news Kanye.” If there’s one thing you can depend on with Kanye West is his ability to…

  • how do you like them (fiona) apples

    by delaneylee Is the beautiful, foliage-lined walk to class putting you in a suspiciously good mood? Are the strings of rainy days not enough to knock your optimism down a peg, leaving you uneasy with your own cheeriness? Look no further for clarity, because the results are in! Last week, we asked our faithful Water…

  • im scared

    by katlipari Halloween is a scary time of the year, but September is an even scarier time. Hous- ing. AH! Scared myself there. Anyway I am scared because I do not have a place to live next year! So here is my official application to be your roommate! I’m Kat, I am a junior, Public…

  • salem witch stupidity

    by mattmcgotty There comes a moment in most American students career where they learn the word “crucible,” a time in which they read the 1953 play of the very same name, because where else would someone hear such a stupid word. Any. Masshole should know this well, not only learning about the Salem Witch Trials…

  • ballet is killer!!! a review of suspiria (2018)

    by maliajaffrani Suspiria (2018) is a lurid excuse to show female rage. Splotching themselves in skimpy red ropes, Suspiria (2018) is an unforgettably haunting ballet movie that will make you go, “What the actual hell did I just watch.” This makes sense because the same motherfucker who directed the sensual Call Me By Your Name…

  • terror cards

    by emmaburns What is the Tarot card you need right now based on your deepest fears? A: Being alone. I am afraid I will always be lonely. That I will always be on the edge, and never a welcomed member. More than anything, I worry that I won’t be loved or that I won’t have…

  • it is goblin season

    goblingoblin As the winds grow colder, and the leaves leavethe trees, I simply say, “nyeh!”. This fall is GoblinSeason!!!! Don’t be the only one in your friendgroup without a Magnanimous Treasure, or aColossal Hoard, with Coins and Plunder aplenty.Everybody Wants to Be a Goblin Right Now.CLICK HERE TO BECOME A GOBLIN. Here are 5 trickerous…

  • no more octobers (ever)!!!

    by sophiewolfe Due to extremely poor behavior from the greater human population over the last several years, the Powers That Be (you know the ones) have come to the decision that this October, 2022, will be the last October ever. Beginning in 2023, September will give way to December without any sweet autumnal reprieve, marking…

  • repentance cat rules the night

    by politicalfish The wind whistles louder than normal, chilling you and sending shivers down your spine as you walk through central campus back to your dorm. Walk- ing back alone without telling anyone where you were wasn’t a smart choice, but it’s too late now. A street light along your path flickers and dies. Then…

  • ikon pass: if you dare

    by catherinefauver It all started one fateful chilly October afternoon. Everything was looking optimistic in Burlington. The leaves were beginning to change and you could almost sense the spreading joy as the world was enveloped in shades of orange, red, and yellow. Like any other desperate UVM student who’s Daddy and Mommy were not coughing…

  • scam alert: a peanut butter halloween

    by emmatino I have been scammed. By who? Why none other than the societal construct of “Halloween” itself! When you think of Peanuts and Halloween, you probably think of the animated classic “It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown.” But no. Not me. I think of all of America’s favorite candies, and how I cannot eat…

  • woe is me, people keep thinking i’m elsa: my costumes of yore

    by pucylowell As the season of slutty pumpkins and historical figures rolls around, i too have been considering what i will wear to terrorize the families of burlington this year! In order to spark my inspiration, i took a trip down memory lane in search of my best halloween costumes of the past. I hope…

  • uh oh, my ghost is actually god?

    by owencarpenter-zehe I first began to feel suspicious of a haunting when objects around the house began to disappear. I’d place my mug on the counter, turn my back, then poof it would be gone. The drawer to my desk would be full in the evening, but empty when i would wake up. Something just…

  • here’s how the gravy gets made

    by emmaburns This past week or so brought the exciting yet controversial arrival of Yung Gravy to the UVM Patrick Gym for Fallfest 2022. The YikYaks were mostly positive, the Instagram comments leaned towards vicious, and the student planners were a little stressed. The anticipation in the air was palpable. Ok maybe that’s an exaggeration,…

  • travel destination: waterman cafe

    by owencarpenter-zehe Have you ever wanted to sip on an espresso in an Italian piazza, or get a flakey croissant at a French boulangerie, because if you have, the water tower’s travel unit has the spot for you. Tucked away beneath the earth lies a once lost, European feeling, treasure of the UVM campus. A…

  • skaterboys are ruining my life

    by lizzygrant Skateboard: Hello, thanks for coming in today! Me: Thanks for having me, Skate! Skateboard: Of course, so… let’s get down to business: dating. Me: Yikes, I think we all have some stories to tell Skateboard: Why yes, we do. So, can you enlighten us on your situation? Me: eek boy, do I have…

  • my boobs are better than yours!

    by danalavender Boobs. Breasts. Titties, even. Since the dawn of humanity, the Universe hath bestowed upon us these nippley, warm flesh bags. And since the dawn of my consciousness, I have craved them. On me. My chest. Attached to me… I’m transgender. Imagine, if you will, a prepubescent white boy with the largest forehead conceivable.…

  • a message of welcome… to the students… of the future

    by erintroiana Dear Prospective UVM Class of 2027, We know the college application process has made life into a lit crazy movie and things are intense, so we thought that we’d share some information to help you with your decision journey. Vermont – the beautiful green mountain state. When you think progressive future-conscious environmental policies,…

  • president suresh approves new fracking venture

    by bemmy The air was crisp Saturday, September 24th on UVM’s Trinity Campus. Known for being “far out,” not only in location but in political ideology, it came as a shock to residents when the excruciatingly loud sound of water tunneling through soggy earth was heard at 8:00 am. A new statement by President SureshTM…

  • thank you city market: non binary kids for everyone!

    by mattmcgotty Before working at City Market, it was nothing more than some conveniently placed supermarket with a parking lot chaotic enough to rival a Whole Food’s in Chicago in the middle of winter during a zombie apocalypse. I had no business in this enigmatic spot. Constantly reminded of the co-op episode of Broad City…

  • owl city’s masterpiece (continued)

    by d.ork But Patrick, Ocean Eyes is the farthest thing from a derivative synthpop record! First off, it derives most of it’s sound from the indie electronica duo The Postal Service and their single album from 2003, “Give Up.” Not only is this album a masterpiece of indie music and the most influential album of…

  • how to prepare for the recession

    by savinobarile Warren Buffet is attributed to saying “Every decade or so, dark clouds will fill the economic skies, and they will briefly rain gold.” Well folks, between record set- ting inflation, near total Brandonization, and a mysteriously ruptured natural gas pipeline, it seems about time to set your financial rain barrels and ensure you…

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