things i hide from my roman catholic parents

by titty.tino


This one is for my strict parent besties out there.  Even though I’m now a senior in college and I live pretty much full time up here, my parents’ rules and regulations can still keep me up at night, scared they’ll find out I’m actively breaking them every day.  That’s why in preparation for them visiting, I walk around my apartment, round up all of the things I know would be disapproved of, and hide them deep in the depths of my sock bucket, sweatshirt drawer, etc.  So, as long as you don’t let my parents see, below is my itemized list of everything I must conceal when Mother and Father come to town. 

by titty.tino

  1. Art print from a local Burlington artist that reads “Pussies Galore!” 
    1. They’re old fashioned, and certainly do not appreciate our generation making light of some potty-mouth words.
  2. Portraits of a coochie, a weewee, and boobies flawlessly drawn by my dear best friend
    1. My Roman Catholic parents would be appalled to see porn on my walls.
  3. My stash of weed nugs I keep in an old pickle jar/ Slug-shaped bowl
    1. Both of them are outwardly anti-marijuana, and I have made them believe that I am too.
  4. The tin foil bowl I constructed out of pure desperation one night many moons ago (I keep it on display bc it’s funny)
    1. While I think this is an iconic moment and thus memento of my college career, it really would be a hard one to explain.
  5. The calendar with photoshopped pictures of women with large breasts and tiny bikinis
    1. See #2, I’m not trying to open that can of worms with my Conservative father who constantly likes to comment on women’s clothing being too scant.
  6. The sign a friend painted for me that reads “Dyke, King of Queers,” made to look like the Budweiser label (yk bc their slogan is Budweiser, King of Beers)
    1. My mom is very supportive of my identity, but I think it would actually bring her to tears to see a slur associated with me.
  7. The lube that resides on the shelf of my bedside table 
    1. I guarantee they still think I’m a virgin.  I never had a long term boyfriend when I was closeted in high school, and well, now that I’m gay and all, I don’t think they really know how gay sex works. 
  8. My sexuality, to a certain extent
    1. Now this is a tough one, take one look at me and the whole gay thing is pretty obvious I cannot lie.  But what I do is take down anything I’ve accumulated that’s ‘too gay.’  My dad operates like the military when it comes to my sexuality: he’s very ‘Don’t ask, don’t tell.’  And while my mother is accepting, she still can’t really say the word gay around me.  So honestly, it’s for the good of us all for me to avoid the awkward glances at things like the giant pride flag, etc. 

Categories: nov 14, the runoff, titty.tino, Vol 27