WT: Hi Speaker of the House Michael Johnson, thank you for sitting down with me today.
Mike Johnson: Die liberal scum.
WT: Wow, terrible energy! Let’s get started. You were elected on October 25th after four rounds of voting, a dramatic decrease from the 15 rounds Kevin McCarthy went through. How do you explain this?
Johnson: I have the most generic name in America! It’s so neutral that why wouldn’t they vote for me given I couldn’t possibly be a bad person when I barely sound like a person. And then poof! I was Speaker.
WT: …Yikes, that’s not, uh, that’s not promising. Now that you are Speaker, there have been a lot of news articles coming out about you. Before I get into specific details, do you have any general comments?
Johnson: Like I already told FOX News, The Bible is my worldview. You can find the answer to any question you have for me there.
WT: That sounds sus but okay. On classic conservative issues, you more or less fall in line. You were one of the 120 representatives who voted against certifying the 2020 election, you have supported bills outlawing abortion at fertilization, and are very anti-LGBTQ, having stated that “homosexual marriage is the dark harbinger of chaos and sexual anarchy that could doom even the strongest republic.” What are some other real opinions you have?
Johnson: Hmm there’s so many to choose from. I believe that teaching evolution is a cause of mass shootings. Or minimum wage! I am obviously against increasing the minimum wage, because it “cripples small businesses and increases unemployment.” I’m also pro prayer in public schools. Oh, and I was a member of Trump’s legal defense teams during both of his impeachments, and believe that “living near wind turbines could cause ‘depression and cognitive dysfunction.’”
WT: Oh my god I don’t even know where to start. You disgust me. Let’s talk about your personal life. You have an adopted son, Michael. You and your wife adopted Michael—who is Black—24 years ago when he was 14 years old. You also have four other children, non-adopted. And yet, you have claimed that you never actually did the paperwork to adopt Michael due to the “lengthy adoption process,” have compared your experience to the 2009 movie “The Blind Side,” and he is not in the family portrait on your website. Care to explain?
Johnson: What exactly do you want me to explain? All of those things are actually, legitimately true things about me, so it all sounds pretty much correct! I should note that most every website—including Wikipedia—lists me as only having four children; they do not list (or hopefully even know about!) Michael. In general, I try not to bring him up, except for when I want to discuss things like systemic racism, or oppose things like reparations and need to not seem like a racist.
WT: Once again, disgusted. We’re almost out of time, so I’d like to end with talking about your future plans for Congress. Would you say that–oh? What’s this? We just got word of some breaking news at the time of this interview. Reports are coming out that you use a program called “Covenant Eyes” to monitor your devices to catch if you watch porn?? What is your response to this, please help set the record of this ridiculous rumor straight.
Johnson: Oh, yeah, that’s true.
Johnson: Yeah, it’s the same software courts make people who have been convicted of child pornography download (even though the CEO says it shouldn’t be used that way)! The software continuously scans your devices for anything even vaguely pornographic—words, images, search terms. If it catches something, it’ll send a probably-blurred screenshot to your accountability partner! My accountability partner is my son. He was 17 when we both first got the program. I can send you a link for a free-trial if you’d like!
WT: what the fuck mike. That’s so creepy, plus a huge security risk. You’re second in line for the Presidency.
Johnson: So you don’t want a link for a free-trial?
WT: Alright, I’m gonna end this here. Mike, may we both be so lucky that our paths never cross again. This is the Water Tower signing off.