by Drizzy.D.Ryder
With the release of his groundbreaking new record, For All the Dogs, the one and only Aubrey Graham, AKA “Drake,” “the GOAT,” “Drizzy,” “D-Sauce,” or “Champagne Papi,” officially leveled with Michael Jackson for the male artist with the most chart-topping singles of all time. Jeez. Motherfreaking. Louise.
Wow. I’ll say what we’re all thinking: about time! It really seems like ~God’s Plan~ that Drake should finally knock that alleged child abuser ((mid-discog btw)) off his pedestal. Drake is basically a saint, if you think about it, the opposite of that creep. In fact, Drake is so committed to avoiding child abuse that it took several years and a diss track from Pusha T for him to even acknowledge his own son’s existence! Truly sexy and heroic. To celebrate his storied career, let’s take a deep dive into some of the sounds and feelings of the album that statistically solidified Drake as the greatest musician of all time.
One thing about Drake is that he’s always keeping us on our toes. For example, who could have predicted that an album called For All the Dogs would have included so much whining about women?? When the first bars of the first verse Drake laid down on his opening track, Virginia Beach, were “Pussy it makin’ me tweak / Ended up stayin’ a week,” I just knew we were in for a truly genius subversion of expectations with this one. On BBL Love, when he gently whispered into the mic as if in an ASMR video, “Bust that pussy open for a real one?” I felt weak in the knees. Hearing the nails-on-a-chalkboard screeching voice of Sexyy Red giving the commands, “Bend that ass over / Let that coochie breathe” and “Shake that ass for Drake / Shake that ass for me” on Rich Baby Daddy, I wanted nothing more in the world than to do exactly that. I was overcome by an overwhelming desire to shake my ass for Drake. I am a 19-year-old straight male.
by bemmy
Speaking of screeching vocals, Drake makes another genius artistic move with this album: unlistenable singing. Now, an uneducated hater might think that Drake just lacks singing ability or his autotune was poorly mixed. On my 23rd listen to Another Late Night, however, it finally hit me: hearing Drake crooning “You too down with the gaaa-angy,” I realized that the sharp, annoying tone of the extended vowels was a sort of tension, and the silence after the bar its release. Just wow. The silence was the best part. Drake’s incredible genius speaks volumes about how our society needs to learn to appreciate quiet serenity… I think… I’m not even sure. His genius goes beyond my full comprehension. The same goes for his attempt to sing in Spanish on Gently with Bad Bunny, where again the silence in between bars is definitely the best part. It’s simply not possible that a star on Drake’s level could pronounce the H in “haga” with such conviction unless it was a profound artistic statement of some kind. I’m sure of it.
Choices like this really allow Drake to, if you will, show off his silly side. He’s the type of guy to say “Alright, now a silly one!” when taking a group photo. He’s the type of guy to use “silly goose” as a pet name. He’s the type of guy to say “whipped and chained you like American slaves” in a singsong, lullaby-like voice on Slime You Out. He’s the type of guy to incessantly list off complaints about ex-girlfriends over the wild choice of a floating, lofi beat interspersed with a sample of Chief Keef saying “That’s that shit I don’t like!” on 7969 Santa. He’s the type of guy to address the allegations of him having groomed Millie Bobby Brown on Another Late Night, only to claim that anyone who accused him of grooming her is just a “weirdo,” then immediately threatening said weirdos by saying, “Bring them jokes up to the gang, we get to really flockin’.” LOL! Classic! Good one, Drake!
Of course, Drake is no MJ. In the alleged grooming sense, that is. We as his fans will defend literally anything Drake does for the rest of time. He is our king, our God, our messiah, and he deserves nothing less. Congratulations to Drake, our glorious Champagne Papi, the greatest musical artist to ever live!