campus buildings as alcoholic beverages

by cumslut & krog

Innovation & Discovery: Blue Raspberry Svedka

This one’s for all my people that had to take gen chem or orgo in this godforsaken building. The sheer amount of trauma stored within these walls is so potent that it can only be described with an equally traumatizing drink: blue raspberry svedka. Like svedka, the experience of Innovation is a visceral, shell-shocking, run-through-the wringer experience, but you’ll probably repress it later.

Davis center: Long Island 

The Davis center is a hub on campus that mixes all breeds of students. There is so much going on there with the multiple food places, help centers, and the overwhelming amount of students in the fish bowl. It also serves as a way of getting to the central campus from athletic or redstone campus through the Dunnel. It’s like when you first get to the bar and you order a long island and then it leads to more drinking and shots get too easy. A long island iced tea is not only the start of a wild night but also the mixture is enough to get a light weight like me from tipsy to drunk real quick.  

Howe Library: Vodka Cran

Howe is the easy, middle-of-the-road, go-to drink that’ll get the job done. It’s never anything too spectacular, but no one expects it to be! Just like a vodka cran, the Howe library is acceptable and reliable, but also extremely mid. 

Billings library: Old Fashioned 

Ahh Billings. The dark academic’s wet dream. There’s just something about all those wood carved columns and old bookshelves that makes you feel like a 19th century ivy league scholar. So yeah, of course Billings is an old fashioned. Now please excuse me while I listen to Beethoven and discuss philosophy while writing poetry and reading gothic horror.

Jeffords: Mead 

Jeffords is the center of pollination on campus. With its greenhouse and all the wildflowers outside, it’s only fair to pay tribute to those bee-lovers by declaring mead the official drink of Jeffords. Honestly, the only thing this deliciously smooth honey drink is missing is a little bit of music. Ya like jazz?

Stafford: Hard Kombucha

Besides the handful of dying plants in my professor’s lab, this building is also home to E.coli, yeast, and a bunch of other microscopic funky little guys growing on petri dishes. For this reason, Stafford is obviously the drink with the most funky little guys growing in it: hard kombucha. Though it may be an acquired taste, hard kombucha is guranteed to fuck you up, while also making you immune to every disease on the planet (absolutely 100% true don’t fact check me).

Dana Medical Library: Espresso Martini

On the corner of academic weapon and sexy girl boss lies this heavenly spot that can only be described as an espresso martini. Many a time I’ve found myself kicked out of Howe for the simple crime of slaying too hard (it’s 6pm and the librarians want to go home). But I always find refuge in the comforting arms of the one place that consistently yassifies the experience of writing an essay an hour before its due. No where else can caffeination, intoxication, and sleep deprivation come together to form such a beautiful masterpiece as here: the Dana Medical Library.

Rowell: Moonshine

This place feels like a dungeon. Dark scary hallways and the musty dusty smell of asbestos? Yeah I’ll pass. Moonshine is the only drink that could possibly embody this feeling, while also simultaneously being the one thing that would make me brave enough to walk through this terrifying building.

Ifshin & Kalkin: Jungle juice and shitty beer 

Ifshin and Kalkin are two best friends that are part of a frat that enjoy dirty basements and mansplaining. In my recent study of frat bros, I learned that there are two types: jungle juice frat bro and shitty beer frat bro. Jungle juice frat bro (Ifshin) loves bad party themes and hitting on sorority girls that are way out of his league. While shitty beer frat bro (Kalkin) loves explaining the benefits of bitcoin, NFTs and Joe Rogan to anyone who will give him attention. Both of these buildings/frat bros are vape gods who probably peaked in high school. 

Tyler theater: Bloody Mary

Though a classic fruity mai tai was a close second (for obvious reasons), the lead for the official theater kid drink actually goes to the most dramatically named cocktail. Besides the fact that the name “bloody mary” reeks of Macbeth references, biblical metaphors, and homicidal drama, the drink itself is just bizarre. I mean, tomato juice? An ingredient that unhinged could surely only come from the mind of someone that said “red leather yellow leather” a bit too many times.


Votey: Irish Trash Can

Aiken: Craft Cider/Craft IPAs

Waterman: Box Wine

Williams: white wine

Marsh Life: green tea shot

Old mill: martini

Lafayette: white claw

Categories: around town, cumslut, nov 14, Vol 27