BURLINGTON, VT — Burlington Police Department warns public about dangerous foreign objects found in Halloween candy this year.
“Trick or Treat!” a young child dressed in a hot pink inflatable Among Us crewmate costume screams. Looking up at a silhouetted figure with candy bucket in hand standing in a doorway, a warm light coming from inside washing them of their chill from the October night outside, the child is excited for the candy they are about to receive. This child was placed in intensive care later that night after ingesting a box of Nerds coated in MDMA.
The child experienced no long-term effects aside from a sudden interest in hardstyle EDM, but reported feeling “fucking amazing” while in the hospital and begged nurses for Vick’s Vaporub to put under his nose. The next day, the child cried for 6 hours straight.
Foolish children automatically assume they will be given a treat, but few consider they may be receiving a trick instead. Thankfully, the child above was given a super cool and very fun drug– other costume-clad children were not so lucky.
The Burlington Police Department has issued a public warning following Halloween this year, announcing a list of calls to 911 reporting foreign objects found in candy. The announcement in full can be found below:
“The Burlington Police force received an alarming number of calls during Halloween reporting dangerous objects this year. The number of calls far exceeded previous years’ records. Following is a list of reported objects.
THC infused candy
Unidentified white powders, presumably fentanyl
Suresh V. Garimella
Jeanne Mance Hall
Printed-out articles from the Vermont Cynic
Socialist leaflets from the UVM YDSA
The entirety of the Adirondack Mountains
Razor blades, razor blade handles, shaving cream
A to-scale recreation of Michaelangelo’s Pieta
The UVM water tower
A recording of Mohammed El-Kurd’s canceled lecture
432 Park Avenue in New York, New York
Your ID (yes, yours)
A 5” nail
Your CATCard (yes, yours)
Champ, the guardian of the Lake
Carlos Castaneda’s 1968 novel The Teachings of Don Juan: A Yaqui Way of Knowledge
You (yes, you)
Grave Digger, of MonsterJam™
We urge you all to take great caution next October, as there are rumblings of even scarier foreign objects being implanted within Tootsie Rolls and Reese’s Cups in 2024.”
Water Tower News echoes this warning, as many of our staff writers experienced dangerous run-ins with a number of the listed objects.
One WT writer bit into a yellow Starburst and was greeted with the entire knowledge of everything that ever has been or ever will be. They experienced the fullness of all of time in an instant, seeing the vastness of the universe and the trillions of sentient lifeforms that exist within it. They have been let go from the Water Tower as a result.
The Water Tower has a strict “No Divine Omniscience” policy, stemming from a belief that good journalism should be wildly reactionary, rife with half-truths, and a misrepresentation of any actual facts.