Oedipussy (O): Today I have the honor and privilege to sit down with the late and great Edgar Allan Poe! And it’s not just any ordinary interview-today I will be chopping old Eddie up with a shag mullet! What better way to get to know someone than over an amateur haircut?
Edgar Allan Poe (EAP): I am indebted to you for accommodating me; even on this dark and soundless evening of gloom.
O: I’m glad you could make it! *running my hands through his hair*, So what are we looking to do today?
EAP: You, who so well know the nature of my soul, will perhaps endow upon me a mullet.
O: Your wish is my command, Eddie! While I trim you up, all cool if I ask you a couple of questions?
EAP: My only worry is that you shall allow ignorance to impede our conversation. I implore you to inquire of me whatever you may choose.
O: Sweet! Any fun plans for Halloween?
EAP: How calmly may I tell you of the events which taint my future. Perhaps you conceive me mad. When the night is pitch black and the air is flooded with darkness, I will enter upon myself the gloom of the cellar. HA!- what cellar may you ask which contains only the strobe of light and the nonsense of techno beats-why the dungeon of Kappa Sigma!
O: Poe you dog! I didn’t know you got down and dirty in frat basements.
EAP: My soul may be tortured- but it is not caged. On occasion, when gray clouds separate and gloom expires I find myself plagued with an indescribable yearning. It has welled up from my own bosom, deepening, with its dreadful echo, and stressed upon me to PARTY!!!
O: Heard that Poe *I start snipping up some shaggy bangs*, Any costume ideas? Maybe a couple’s costume with your cousin-bride?
EAP: I find it rather sinful that you should conjure up a tale of incest. My heart yearns for one of my own blood, and what should be the fault with that? Alas-we will dress as we feel-grim and gray in cloaks of dull black.
O: That sounds…spooky. Can I interest you in something to drink? A glass of water or something?
EAP: I fear that water will not do nearly enough by way of easing my worries. Perhaps you could supply something stronger-something which dries up the very marrow of my bones?
O: I didn’t know you were that kind of guy Ed, how does a vodka cran sound? Maybe a lukewarm PBR that I stole from behind the bar at the Rugby house?
EAP: Glorious! Say-must you cut my hair with such cadence? Snip-Snip, Snip-Snip. The echo seems to mimic that dull murmuring. Snip-Snip, snip-Snip, the very rhythm overwhelmed me with a guilt and angst of past atrocities.
O: I’m just trying to line you up right man. Let me work how I work.
EAP: You may say I exist in a condition of shadow and doubt, But my ears do not deceive me. The pounding still hovers around my dreadful head. Snip-Snip, Snip-Snip. It grows louder, I say, louder every moment!
O: Hey! You’ve got to relax. When you are in my chair, I make the rules.
EAP: But what can I do? I foam- I rave- I swear! I must either speak or die! It grows louder, louder still. I cannot sit idle in this chair any longer as the beckoning thud haunts me.
O: Fine, Eddy, leave! If you can’t handle the heat, get out of the barbershop!