I was thirteen once. Many horrors emerged in my life, including but not limited to: the deep attraction to pop-punk rockstars who would’ve groomed me, the hairdresser who gave me the same haircut as Ellen DeGeneres for years, and a horrible caffeine addiction for no reason other than wanting to look cool. The greatest of these horrors, though, was sleep paralysis. I genuinely believe it’s the universe’s punishment for me accepting the idea of death at age 9. But, life goes on, and I’m chill with the vaguely humanoid void that loiters in my peripheral. I’d just like to make some improvements, since It occupies my metaphysical personal space about once a week. I would just love for It to improve so our relationship could flourish. Sometimes I like to think that the crew of Queer Eye– my faves Karamo, Tan, Antoni, Bobby, and J.V.N. – would roll up their sleeves and help a girl out. I can imagine how it’d all go down.
Karamo Brown, Culture: First things first, I think my demon could definitely use some help on communication. Like, our interactions feel very one sided; I’m always trying to pull my being out of the thick jelly of the ether, and It just stands there, not even in a supportive way. I really think Karamo could teach my demon to have a more welcoming presence about It, it would make such a huge difference. It would also be nice if Karamo would be able to get my demon to open up a bit, I would love to be friends with It, but It is just so closed off, I can’t get through to It. My demon could also use some lessons in embracing the space It occupies. Like, buddy, you deserve to take up more space than just the edge of my vision. You could have such a presence if only you allowed yourself to be fully seen. Allow me to try and comprehend your horrors. I just hope Karamo could get through to It.
Tan France, Fashion: I think Tan would be at a loss honestly, I mean, my demon is barely corporeal. How does one dress for their body type when their body type is the same shape as Robert Smith’s hair? I can see Tan trying his best to work with the dark color palette, picking out some leather pieces, nice jeans, possibly a boot? Who knows, I could dig a smart look with a leather jacket. If Tan can make my demon fuckable to someone with as low standards as I, his job is done.
Antoni Porowski, Food & Wine: I’d love for Antoni to give my demon some cooking lessons. It would make my stay in the in-between so much more comfortable if I could just have some finger sandwiches or something. Maybe Antoni would awaken a hobby in my demon, and It could spend It’s time baking or possibly even barbecuing when It isn’t lurking in the room of my mind. I’d really love that for It.
Bobby Berk, Design: The space… or whatever you want to call it, that me and my demon occupy is really just a void. It could use some brightening up for sure. I would like to actually have a physical bed, rather than the vague awareness that I’m laying on something. An armchair for It would be a really thoughtful addition to the area. It is always standing and would probably love to rest his “legs.” Bobby would want to pick out a wall color that comforts my demon, but also something that can make the space feel more open– possibly a beige-gray reminiscent of liminal spaces so familiar to other dark entities. I think Bobby would be able to totally transform the “place.” My demon deserves the perfect room to ruminate.
Jonathan Van Ness, Grooming: Personally I think J.V.N. would go in to look at where It’s hair is supposed to be and immediately be consumed into the scribble-like formation with a very queer scream. The rest will decide that my demon is unfixable and promptly exit. None of the footage will ever be found. The end.