dealters don’t ride vespas

by baileyschoolkid

My dealer is something not of this world. For if he is, he comes from some remote corner of the world unbeknownst to most men. I haven’t exactly figured out his nature, but I’ve turned to the literature for comparison. In our frequent encounters I fear I’ve gone mad; lost in my ramblings. Instead, I turn to you, my loyal audience. Shortly I shall lay out my observations of the person I proquire weed from. Read them closely and write to me in hast if any of the observations lead you to a definitive diagnosis. Godspeed. 

by bemmy


  • He must be invited in 
    • It’s relevant that you know that my dealer only delivers. I theorize this is because he lives in a coven of sorts, and it would be irresponsible to invite his customers to certain death. Yet, when he arrives here, he must be invited into our house. Despite the authority he carries, he acts like an innocent child sent by mother to get a cup of sugar. Odd. 
  • He wears a diagonal fanny pack 
    • I’ve never met a normal individual who owns one of them. My current theory is that it disguises an extra organ, maybe even a flesh pocket that allows him to store endless pounds of bud and cash. Never a backpack, only a crossbody.
  • Uses a vespa as a form of transportation 
    •  This will forever puzzle me. Infamous for being the most vulnerable and unsafe method of transportation, vespas give you that adrenaline rush while also stripping the rider of all dignity. A drug dealer would never choose such a vehicle, especially when he is also known to own a car. 
  • He has a girlfriend 
    • Now this claim is self reported, so we may only take it for what it is. Yet, it cannot be true. Dealers don’t have girlfriends! Not real ones! I’m sure of it!


It fears me to say, but it’s very possible my dealer inhabits his own class of creature. All of my encounters have run up against anything I can find in the literature. I’ve ruled out the possibility of his being a mermaid or a werewolf. Mainly because he’s relatively hairless and well groomed, and he doesn’t give mermaid. Beyond that, I cannot say. Every time I find myself with the need for weed, I’m constantly surprised at the being that appears at my door. I’m excited to continue to observe these interactions as the seasons change, and I hope to hear from my dear readers. There is no end to the pursuit of knowledge! 

Categories: 8, addison schwarz, bemmy, oct 31, Vol 27, wilt