DAD denies report of monsters spotted under the bed

by connormurphy

Water Tower Headquarters, Burlington, VT, 31 October 2023

The Water Tower News has been following the widespread circulation of reports of monsters hiding underneath the beds of children across the region. Witnesses have stated the presence of scratching noises emerging from the dark as well as an overall feeling of uneasiness occurring around bedtime. The Department of Adolescent Development released a statement combating these reports: “These rumors are completely unfounded and based solely on speculation. Any belief of sub-bed frame dwelling creatures stems from the uptick in scary movies watched the night before.” DAD also reiterated that they publicly came out against such media for these very reasons though they chose not to comment on first-hand accounts of glowing eyes pulsating from the space between the mattress and the floor.

Despite DAD’s attempt to suppress the news of regional monster growth, The Water Tower has been able to secure multiple high-level sources who are in a position to confirm the existence of these known child eaters. One older brother told our reporters that there have already been multiple disappearances in the neighborhood that the Manager of Official Maturity has swept under the rug. The sibling, who requested to remain anonymous, said, “Oh yeah! Didn’t you hear that they got Jimmy McAuthor on Pleasant Street? One night he went to bed, and the next morning all his parents found was the zipper of his footy pajamas.” While officials refute this story, claiming Mr. McAuthor has been visiting his grandparents in Florida for the past week, there were no sightings of luggage being packed and those close to McAuthor attest that he often made his trips down south known to the public in advance. Additionally, Line Leader and teacher’s pet, Elane Monroe was in class on Tuesday but was unable to speak and was allowed to have two servings of ice cream for lunch. It is unclear whether this strange behavior was due to a tonsillectomy or a clawed close encounter. Monroe was clearly unable to comment on her situation but this paper wishes her a speedy recovery.

The history of monsters is a complicated topic, often fraught with controversies and scandals. As early as history has been recorded, monsters and dwellers of the night have prayed on young children who have the misfortune of crossing upon the wrong stretch of shadows. Early documentation shows that beastly disappearances were extremely common up until the invention of electricity and the light bulb. Thomas Edison famously invented the light bulb to ward off monsters from his six children. Before then, townsfolk relied largely on torches and pitchforks to keep the hairy demons at bay but when your adversary has eight-inch claws and two rows of teeth, there is only so much a farming tool can do. More recently though, monsters have taken to staying unseen for most of the year and emerging in the autumn months. Experts believe that their numbers have become thin over the years so they mainly hunt in the prime, cooler months. This is also the time that the sun begins setting earlier which gives them many more malicious opportunities than in the summer. While unconfirmed, evidence also supports the theory that monster attack numbers fall in the winter due to the increased watch of Santa Claus throughout December as he double checks his list. It would seem that not even these fanged man-eaters want to make enemies of St. Nicholas. 

by kay sheeger

The DAD’s refusal to address growing concerns of increased monster activity has led to mounting public panic in the community. Many are alleging the department is carrying out a coverup in order to downplay its mishandling of the situation. Refusals to go to bed for fear of what lies in the dark are becoming much more common prompting officials to have to resort to time outs and the revoking dessert privileges. Nightmares are also on the rise calling into question DADs ability to provide protection in a dream state. Those close to DAD have heard whispers of a night light pilot program being implemented in some bedrooms to ward off any unwanted guests. There are also increased talks of martial law being imposed if the public outcry does not cease. This could lead to a full removal of bedtime stories, TV time, and a movement of bedtime itself of up to 30 minutes sooner. It is clear that both  MOM and DAD are scrambling to get things under control before Halloween comes. 

While there are still some weeks of anticipated monster activity, The Water Tower has some tips in order to keep you, our reader, safe. Be sure to always keep your closet door tightly shut for that is a common spot a monster will go to if it feels under the bed has been compromised. Also it is recommended to be securely tucked in when you go to sleep to allow the most protection throughout the night and by no means should you allow your feet to stick out from the cover or over the edge of the bed. Most importantly, do everything possible to stay in bed through the night. Have a glass of water at your bedside in case you should grow thirsty in the night and if you have to go to the bathroom, simply run as fast as you can through the hall and into the safety of the well lit sanctuary. Finally, if at any point in the night you feel that you are moments away from falling victim to a vicious monster, alert the DAD or MOM immediately by calling out for them at the top of your lungs until they arrive. If it comes to this, do not risk getting out of bed to alert them for that could be the moment the monster is waiting to strike. Stay safe and enjoy the Halloween season.

Categories: connor murphy, front page, kay sheeger, oct 31, Vol 27