bed bugs: the scariest of them all

By pucylowell


DREARY, VT—Breaking news! Today’s new story comes to you from the small town of Dreary, VT. I want to warn you that this story may disturb some readers. 


Our story starts with Aurora Dozing, a young woman seeking refuge in Dreary from the horrors occurring in her home, and a few small bugs. At first, the bugs didn’t pose an issue to Ms. Dozing and her roommates, Drema and Melatona. The girls shared that they “enjoyed the company” as the three spent most of their days inside their small flat working their remote jobs.


It wasn’t until the later hours of the night, as they all lay resting, that the small bugs would crawl their way from beneath the sheets through the mattress toppers. The bugs would start small, nibbling on an ankle here and tasting a forearm there. It was fairly normal bed bug behavior.


Aurora claims they tried a few things to eliminate the bugs at first; washing their sheets, steaming their mattresses, burning their clothes, and dousing their carpets with arsenic. Unfortunately, things only got worse from there. 


The girls struggle to recall all the details from that fateful night but they do remember that it started in the late evening of October 30th. Aurora had just finished getting ready for bed, when she heard rustling of the bugs a little earlier than usual. 


As she began to drift off, she heard a soft tinkering twirling across her floor. Like the sound of a thousand sewing pins spilling across the floor. She rolled over and drifted back to sleep, unaware of the horror that was ensuing.


As Aurora lay sleeping, the small bugs took to her computer. Having watched her log in and out of that computer a hundred times a day, the critters knew her password by heart: Password1234. Once breaking that security measure down, the bugs had endless access to ALL of Aurora’s confidential information. They were set. The bugs started small by ordering thousands of new IDs under Aurora’s name and SSS. The bugs had grown a shocking resemblance to the girl after feeding off of her for months, they had even begun to grow her long blonde hair. Next were the credit cards, they had to be strategic with this because the IRS could flag someone for creating too many new credit cards in one day. So the bugs ordered half of the cards before the clock struck midnight and then the other half at 12:01 am. 

by bemmy

At this point you might have already guessed it. The bugs were committing the most horrific crime of them all—Identity Fraud. 


As the morning of October 31st rose, the bugs began backing their extremely tiny bags and handing out everyone’s train tickets. They were fleeing. Leaving the crime scene a mess with photoshopped passports, forged birth certificates, and bank recipes. 


Right now, the bugs are still on the loose. They are suspected to be traveling by train and clinging to travelers as they depart. Aurora has been working closely with the IRS and FBI to get her case under control but her luck has been falling short. 


Aurora has been sharing the warning signs of intruders and encouraging people to use more complicated passwords than her.


This has been a report from Dreary. Updates will filter through in the coming weeks, so stay safe and wash your sheets. 

Categories: bemmy, lucy powell, news, oct 31, Vol 27