Do not buy an evil bong.
You might’ve heard of the hit movie series Evil Bong, complete with 8 main installations (Evil Bong, Evil Bong 2: King Bong, Evil Bong 3D: The Wrath of Bong, Evil Bong 420, Evil Bong High-5, Evil Bong 666, Evil Bong 777, Evil Bong 888: Infinity High) and 2 spin-off films (Gingerdead Man vs. Evil Bong and The Gingerweed Man). This incredible stoner classic series has most likely been seen by dozens, perhaps hundreds of weed-smoking deadbeats around the world. The series was directed by Charles Band, of Blood of 1000 Virgins (2013) and Bunker of Blood: Chapter 8: Butcher’s Bake Off: Hell’s Kitchen (2018) fame.
If you are anything like me and my friends, you would’ve heard of this film series, decided not to watch it, but you would’ve become enamored with the idea of owning an evil bong for yourself nonetheless. This is a poor line of thinking. You do not want an evil bong.
Well, my friend bought an evil bong. It is a foot tall, painted red, and covered in eyeballs and spikes. There are two specific eyeballs that feel far more real than the rest– like they’re watching you. The spikes are pointy enough that they can draw blood. This bong is very dangerous. It it also dirty most of the time.Any self-respecting stoner would steer very clear of it.
I am not a self-respecting stoner.
Aside from my own, I have hit this bong more than any other. The amount of weed I’ve smoked out of this bong would probably kill a small child. This bong was a staple of many a good night at my friend’s house, a barn on top of the third-highest point in Nelson County, Kentucky. If there was a demon inhabiting this bong, it almost surely would have transferred its consciousness into me through the smoke in my lungs.
Side note: there was a demon inhabiting this bong. It transferred its consciousness into me through the smoke in my lungs.
As the summer of evil, malicious, no-good bong rips went on, as May turned to June turned to July turned to August, as many a full moon came and went, I became more and more possessed. The demon would cause urges deep within me, urges that called me to hit the evil bong again and again.
The evil bong is still in Kentucky and I, obviously, am not. But a piece of it stays with me. I see the evil bong in my dreams– and my nightmares. I see it when I’m awake, a massive apparition of this terrible bong floating ghastly down the hall, chasing me until I make it through the doorway and into my dorm. If I smoke out of a different bong, it’s like a sword has been stuck through me. The bong calls out to me, a haunted “Maaatttt…. Matt…….” echoing through the dark night.
I am scared to go home for Thanksgiving. On my drive to Vermont, I felt its pull lessen as I got further away. I am terrified that as I make my way South, it will call out to me and grow in strength. That the demon in me will get stronger and take over, the evil bong fully taking over my consciousness and driving me to madness.
Wish me luck. And stay far, far away from any bongs with eyeballs you may encounter.