a witch’s guide for coming out of the broom closet

By adriannacartier and maliajaffrani


Have you ever wondered what it takes to become a witch? If you’ve ever found yourself brewing up a bubbling cauldron of secrets and spells while your friends and family remain blissfully unaware, you’re not alone. Whether you’re a seasoned witch, a budding enchantress, or just someone with a penchant for the mystical and magical, this guide is here to help you navigate the mystical maze of revealing your supernatural inclinations to the uninitiated. Prepare to brew some charm and laughter as we embark on this satirical journey to demystify the art of “coming out” as a witch. Whether you’re a spellcaster extraordinaire or just someone who enjoys the occasional incantation, we’ve got you covered. Let’s fly our brooms right out of the broom closet!


  1. Witchy vocabulary 101: Alter your daily vocabulary and add “Blessed be” or “hex” and “coven”.
  2. Get a broom and a pointed hat (the taller the better).
  3. When people ask you how you get places so fast, answer with “I like to get my steps in!” (DO NOT mention a broom).
  4. Collect crystals– they all have magical powers.
  5. Adopt a black cat (adopt don’t shop! And preferably named Jiji).
    1. If you’re allergic either find a spell to make you not or consider adopting an alternative tarantula or snake
  6. Become an herbalist.
    1. Give your friends tea → rebrand your spells as “relaxing elixirs” and “potions” to have fun with it 
    2. Dry flowers and collect berries and mushrooms from the woods (bonus points if you bring home a few new friendly critters)
  7. Broaden your psychic abilities.
    1. Learn tarot 
    2. Get a crystal ball (also can be used as a lovely centerpiece!)
    3. Get into astrology (horoscopes tell all)
  8. Start celebrating Pagan holidays.
    1. All Western holidays began somewhere…
  9. Seek support from fellow witches in the broader witchcraft community.
  10. Sync your cycle with the moon.
    1. Use lunar phases to explain any mood swings, bad hair days, or anything that goes wrong in your life.
  11. Learn a dance of the Druids for the next full moon and invite your fellow witch sisters to join in. 
    1. Create a full moon circle with them (when spells and potions are at their highest potency
  1. 2. Collect old books and keep elegant journals! If people try to patronize you for your craft, at least your vocabulary will be stronger than theirs! 
  2. Dye your hair black, green, or red (you have choices).
  3. Move to a secluded cottage in the woodlands of Scotland.
    1. Collect hagstones while you’re at it
    2. Start cooking stews in cauldrons over a monstrous fire
    3. Go find your Jamie Fraser and live out your 1743 fantasy
  4. Develop an everlasting youth beauty regimen and claim it’s due to genetics when people ask you on Tiktok. 
  5. Practice Bewitching Stares.
    1. Perfect the art of the mysterious, all-knowing gaze to silence any skeptics.
  6. Start hexing people who have wronged you. Remember those mean girls that wouldn’t stop bullying you? Forget getting revenge on them the old fashioned way when magic can give them their well deserved karma.

Categories: cooler, malia jaffrani, oct 31, Vol 27