by krog
Exhaustion. Nausea. Loathing. Hangxiety. The sound of your alarm blaring at 11am while you lay in bed contemplating whether or not turning it off is worth the effort of moving. So you do what you do almost every Sunday morning: order some of that greasy oily hangover-curing food that just hits so good when you feel like death. For me, this means pork fried rice, spring rolls, and a fortune cookie from the first Chinese place I can find on the world wide web. So you call the place and wait for what feels like years for the greasy goodness to be delivered to your door. And when it finally arrives? Good god. You’re practically foaming at the mouth. Imagine my soul-crushing sorrow when, after enduring the endless torture of waiting, I discover that not only is my precious food cold, but my fortune cookie doesnt even have a fortune inside. How could they do this to me? After all I’ve been through. I would rather find literally anything else inside a fortune cookie than have no fortune at all.
Has this happened to you? Have you felt these feelings before? Do they make you want to die? Same! Thankfully, our expert team of researchers here at the watertower have devised the perfect solution to this problem: Unfortunate Cookies! (patent pending). Feeling down on your luck after a wild night out on the town? Unfortunate Cookies will pep you up in no time! Unlike normal, boring fortune cookies (ew!), Unfortunate Cookies contain no fortune at all. So what’s inside then? Well, dear reader, I’m so glad you asked. What lies inside an Unfortunate Cookie is a surprise! Whether that surprise be good or bad, we can definitely guarantee that our cookies will leave you questioning life more than your average fortune cookie would. Here’s a look at what might be hiding inside your Unfortunate Cookie:
Slime
Remember when you used to make this stuff as a kid? Remember that unsettling gooey feeling it had? Now imagine that feeling in your mouth. Awesome right?
Pokemon
The Unfortunate Cookie actually doubles as a pokeball. For some reason I keep only getting jigglypuffs though.
Boba
Who doesn’t want to start their day with some balls in their mouth? I know I do! Now you can enjoy that same delicious sensation of drinking bubble tea without the interruption of tea. Quick! This offer won’t last forever. Get these balls in your mouth now!
The Geico Gecko
Finding the Geico gecko in your fortune cookie would be quite surprising. You know what’s not surprising? Saving 15% or more on car insurance when you switch to Geico. (not sponsored)
Communism
Quick! Somebody hold back the US military before they start another Red Scare. The watertower is a proud supporter of the proletariat and eagerly looks forward to the day we finally eat the rich. Go get your daily dose of communism today!
Syphilis
What do Columbus, Beethoven, and Al Capone all have in common? They all loved Unfortunate Cookies! They also all had syphilis but that’s really besides the point (The Watertower denies all allegations and has nothing to do with the deaths of these historical figures).
Another fortune cookie
What’s better than one Unfortunate Cookie? Another Unfortunate Cookie! The next time you crack one of these bad boys open you might be lucky enough to find another waiting inside. And another one inside of that! And another! The Unfortunate Cookie uses unlimited Russian nesting doll technology to keep you in a never-ending loop that will slowly unravel your sanity until time collapses. Have fun!
The Clit
Oh yeah I almost forgot about this one. Just like your boyfriend last night! Maybe if you give him an Unfortunate Cookie you’ll finally get that satisfaction you deserve in bed. Anyway…
That’s just a glimpse of what could be waiting inside an Unfortunate Cookie. So don’t wait, go buy yours now! Available every Tuesday night in the catacombs of Kalkin Hall. Be prepared to sell your soul.