H: One thing about me, I do not like the Twilight movies. I did not understand the plot at any point, and overall I was left feeling confused and scared of people named Bella. So with me to also discuss their hatred of it: Robert Patterson.
R: Thank you so much for having me if I do not get these feelings off my chest soon I just might combust.
H: So was it solely the money that drove you to this project or did you hate yourself at the time?
R: I’d probably say both. The money was quite the draw but I also had a deep loathing of myself. The vampire role seemed enticing as I could be cool and sexy to everybody else as I cried into the mirror every night.
H: That’s depressing as fuck.
R: I know.
H: I feel like no amount of money could have driven me to that. Sure you were immortal, but at what cost? Your character just watched people sleep and seemed angry all the time. And why were wolves your enemy? You guys aren’t even the same species…I think.
R: Yeah the sleeping part haunted me at night as I feared my own shadow was watching me, cursing me for taking on the role. Oh but the wolves? That was even stupider I mean, why would we be feuding if WE’RE TWO DIFFERENT SUPERNATURAL CREATURES
H: Robert please, let’s take a breath.
R: I know I’m sorry, I just…I just can’t take the pain of thinking about it. I mean why, as a sexy vampire teen would I want anything to do with a wolf?? It all makes no sense to me and I’ve spent years researching. Oh all the time I’ve wasted
(starts weeping like a baby with little whimpers as rocks back and forth in the fetal position on the floor while cursing Stephanie Meyer, his cashmere scarf is now stained with his oddly sweet tears while he uses the last of my good tissues, then takes several long deep breaths that only an olympic diver would do, I’m honestly getting concerned as I watch)
H: Hey it’s ok, you were a good actor at least. Speaking of acting, what the fuck was with Kristen Stewart’s weird breathing-acting combo?
R: *heavy sigh* I wish I knew. I stay up every night wondering if she was really constipated and just didn’t know what to say or if the breathing was her way of getting the character through. Either way I hated it and now if someone breathes too close to me I go into panic mode. So thanks a lot Kristen.
H: Wow that was not what I was expecting but the constipation would explain a lot. She looked oddly uncomfortable during the wedding scene and wasn’t Bella supposed to be happy, I mean you were gonna make her a goddamn vampire and spend eternity with her.
R: Exactly!!! I guess I wasn’t good enough. I mean I spent hundreds of money on classes on how to smolder while looking concerned and better ways to puff out my chest to make it seem more muscular. I even walked barefoot in the forest for five days straight to get the feel of being ‘wild.’ And I don’t even want to start on how much I spent on hair gel.
(starts weeping again but the tears do not stop as he screams in agony, I imagine the movies are now running through his head and oh wait now he’s standing on a table denouncing vampirism, ok he’s back to crying but his tears are tangy this time like sweet and sour sauce)
H: Here’s some toilet paper. Now one last thing we must discuss is the thing that keeps me up every night. That motherfucking CGI baby.
R: Oh believe me I understand I’ve had to go to years of intensive therapy to stop the nightmares I would get. To think we spent so much money on glitter and fancy Italian castles for the Volturi but we couldn’t get an actual baby? Something doesn’t add up.
H: Robert nothing from those movies added up.
R: I know, but may our hatred of them live on
H: Forever and always Robert (tender hug)