bernie sanders hits blinkers and gropes ted cruz at theater performance

by m477r1c3

Burlington, VT – Bernie Sanders removed from Royall Tyler Theater’s Cats performance for chiefing dab pen and groping date partner Ted Cruz. 


A shocking scene, caught on CCTV cameras in the Royall Tyler Theater, took place Saturday during a performance of the acclaimed musical Cats. Independent Sen. Bernie Sanders (since 2007) was forcibly removed from the locally loved theater for “disruptive behavior” and “ripping a cart in a public space.” While some fellow theatergoers of the cannabinoid persuasion were thoroughly impressed by Sanders,’ age 82, ability to take blinkers like a professional, many people were left horrified at the sight.


Sanders denied all accusations leveled against him, claiming “I did not chief my dab pen while watching Cats. Why would I want to do that? I would freak out!” While the Vermont Senator raises a good point—no one wants to see those freaky cats while high—he can be seen on camera hitting a blinker during two musical performances: “The Rum Tum Tugger” and “Bustopher Jones: The Cat About Town.” The actor portraying Bustopher Jones could not be reached for comment.


Additionally, Sen. Sanders was seen performing suggestive advances on his musical-going date, Sen. Cruz. CCTV footage shows Sanders sliding his wrinkled hand slowly up Cruz’s thigh during “Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer.” 


Water Tower News reached out to the actor portraying Mungojerrie. Here is what they had to say on this most heinous matter:

“I mean, what the fuck? Bernie Sanders and Ted Cruz got freaky while I was on stage? Not only is this an affront to the theatrical arts, but an affront to God.”


Water Tower News stands in solidarity with Mungojerrie at this time.


As the lights came up after Act I, signaling the beginning of the intermission, Sanders and Cruz could be seen quickly standing up and making a break for the gender neutral bathroom. Passersby report “screams of pleasure” and “terrifyingly rhythmic grunting” coming from the behind locked door.


 Once they had returned to their seats following their scandalous bathroom getaway, the political pair found themselves face to face with an usher. Reportedly, the usher calmly asked the two to exit the theater as those in the seats nearby had reported their activity. After a minute or two of arguing, the two Senators were escorted out by security.


Sanders could be seen showing his middle finger to the usher. During this dramatic confrontation, Cruz could be heard saying “I’m going to Cancun” while Sanders said “I never liked the Green New Deal anyways!”


In an effort to make amends with the Burlington community and all those affected by his actions, Sanders’ went around Burlington and handed out toffees and caramels. Local citizens described the act as “charming” while “slightly off putting” and “not an apology.”


Sanders’ actions on Saturday are another episode in a slew of homoerotic, weed-forward outbursts that many believe to be a campaign strategy to normalize gay marriage and the recreational consumption of marijuana. When approached for comment on this, the Sanders campaign said:

“That is an absurd accusation. We believe it is important to separate the lives of political actors and their role in government. Any homoeroticism or marijuana consumption performed by Sanders is in no way related to his political standing in Senate.”


Sanders will be making his first public appearance following the spectacle at the grand opening of Waterman Market, so UVM students should be advised to enter the building with caution and keep an eye out for Senator Cruz.

Categories: matt rice, news, oct 11, Vol 27