by XjerseymamasX & bazucca
The American Girl Doll you owned as a child, or the one your really, really wanted is truly telling about you as an adult. Recently, XjerseymamasX and bazucca discovered the root cause of their tight bond– they both had American Girl Doll, Julie as a child. Naturally, we both ended up at UVM and ended up great pals. We got to chatting about the best and the worst of the gurls, so here is our thoughtful and polished (and maybe biased) list of 13 American girl dolls from best to worst. Just like Julie, we love to judge and call bullshit when we see it, so these dolls wont be let off the hook to easily if theyre lame as fuck (Molly).
Starting off at number one is Historical Doll, Addy Walker. Addy literally escapes slavery and puts her own safety at risk because she cares so deeply about her family in her brave journey to freedom. Her story is one of resilience and intelligence, and a super important one to be told. Addy is a real strong winner of an American Girl.
Number two on our list is another historical doll, Josephina Montoya. Josephina perservered through a tough life; but as a lover of music, she keeps the arts by her side to get through it. She is a sentimental and shy girl, something we could relate to growing up. Also we both thought she was gorg growing up so she is ranking high on this list.
Coming in at number three is Miss headcanon UVM: Julie Albright. We both had Julie, and thought she rocked. Her bed and wardrobe was awesome, although I could only see them in the Amercian Girl Doll magazine pictures because the recession had my family living a bit like Kit. She had a sick as fuck foot rug and a record player. Julie would live on redstone campus if she was a student at uvm. Keep ballin’ through your parent’ divorce, Julie.
Our third runner up is yet another historical doll, Miss Maraget Caldwell. Margaret, or Maggie, if you will, survived the crash of the Titanic. She survived the loss of her father and seven brothers so she could get on the lifeboats and have a better life for herself in the big apple. She used the inheritance from her loss to move to the greatest city in the world, and become one of the founding members of the Rockettes, and later, the first female wolf on wallstreet. Rock on, finance fatale!
Next in the ranking is Felicity Merriman. All her pilgrim ass did was ride horses. Felicity thought she was better than everyone since she didn’t like sewing and other “women’s work”, but she really was just the thirteen colonie’s first pick me girl. No one gives a fuck you were premature, you need an adderall prescription and a good humbling.
Following our homestead hottie is Special Edition Doll Bethany Hamilton. A triumphant story of fearlessness in the face of adversity, yes, but also a blatant cash grab in the name of beachy girl female empowerment on behalf of the American girl franchise. The ability for the consumer to remove her arm is for sure a way to empower young girls; but shark and surfboard not included? I mean, really, guys?
A recent addition to the American Girl family is Hailey Andrews, who ranks next on her list. She was doxxed and swatted after she got in a stan twitter war with a handful of barbs. A swing and a miss at relevance, American Girl.
Next is Kit: The new century’s first fuck ass bob. Something about owning that little blonde doll made girls think they were better than everyone and for what. If you were bullied by a girl who owned Kit you probably are still working through some insecurities that she started for you way back in the 2000’s-2010’s.
As we begin to scrape the bottom of the barrel on this list, we bring you Isabel and Nicki. These twins were living in the turn of the century and feared what would happen when the computers had to change to the year 2000. We are certain that they wrapped everything electric in their homes in tin foil to prepare for the national emergency alert system test. To make matters worse, these girls were opposite twins. Think liv and maddie, or nicki and gabby. They both thought they were simultaneously better than everyone, yet also lived the hardest life of them all because one was a tomboy and one wore pink.
Next is Jessica Reed, a newer Historical Doll who cried in a target dressing room trying on swimsuits while her mom waited shopped around the rest of the store for her brother. A relatable doll for sur3e, but quite an underdeveloped plot. Goodluck with your tankini, Jess.
Fourth to last is Maryellen Larkin. She had polio, just like every other bitch. She always complained about being too skinny and that her nuclear family was too perfect. Go vote red and then fuck yourself, Maryellen.
Penny Gallagher comes in third to last. She had a peanut allergy, and got bullied for having to sit at the nut free table. We feel you, Penny, but you do have to understand you’re lame as fuck. Points to American Girl for including the Epipen as an accessory and not making us pay extra for life saving medical devices.
Next up is Angie Matthews, a girl who’s story tells her journey of self acceptance after having a gay awakening after seeing the boob development page in the Care and keeping of You book. A strange swing at a meta tale, but that is not quite why Angie ranks so low on this list. Her snapback hat and gray jogger sweatpants encourage hey mamas bahvior that we think our children should not have to be exposed to, leaving Angie at number 12 on the list.
Lastly, we have Molly McIntyre. She’s a cunt and a narc. Fuck Molly.