timmy and kylie

by mak

Timothée Chalamet and Kylie Jenner were spotted canoodling at Queen B’s concert on the 5th. While both are incredibly successful individuals, usually a tell-tale sign of the beginnings of a power couple, it is said that their coming together will result in otherworldly ramifications. For one, if she sits on his lap, will he just disappear into the void? And if so, will scientists finally have the proof we need to delve into the world of quantum physics? What if Kylie’s ass is actually a portal into another world? Will we ever see Timmy again? *Note: this may not be the worst thing in the world, as I’m sure Timothée’s tittylicious sister Pauline would then take over the spotlight. #let’s see that rack.* At this point, we can conclude Kim and Kylie are just really into gaunt, death-looking, raw-boned white men, but what about Pete and Timothée? Are they looking for an escape from Earth to finally find their way back to their homeland? Are they living, breathing, walking proof of extraterrestrial life? Or do they simply believe they really can handle all this booty coming their way? Kylie and Timothée’s relationship could be a number of things. Maybe it’s a publicity stunt. Maybe they actually like each other… just joshin’ ya, that’s not it. But really, why?? I’ve been racking my brain for the past few weeks trying to answer this question, and as I sit in Marsh Life Science, completely ignoring my lecture, I think I got it. Their relationship is the start of the second coming of Jesus Christ. I have no proof. I don’t even have a far-fetched conspiracy theory to base this on. I simply feel it in my bones. Please join me on this journey to split up Kylie and Timothée to prevent Jesus entering our realm once again… #keepuvmJewish #don’tletHimback #IwillJudasyourass

by zoe rosenfelt

Categories: 8, sept. 19, Vol 27

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