the boy who cried “jimmy carter is dead”

by oedipussy

PLAINS, GA– Jimmy Carter is reportedly still very much alive. Born in 1924, The Peanut President will, god-willing, be turning 99 in October, making him the longest-living president in the United States. And, like many other 19-year-old girls, I am completely obsessed with him. Jimmy Carter was America’s least sexist president, and he had the softest hands. What’s not to love? If you ignore the hostages and the Southern accent, he’s a dream man. In his prime, Carter stood at a whopping 5’10, 160 lbs—a true force of nature. Now, he’s shriveled up and frail, with a thousand types of cancer coursing through his veins. In 2015, when his melanoma metastasized to his brain, we were all sure that the end was near. But through the kind of immunotherapy that only white-house money could buy, the nearly century-old Democrat has prevailed, though he’s not the man he used to be.  It has been reported that in recent years Carter has been seen guzzling crude oil and talking about the Vietnam War to “the people who live in the walls.” To be frank, the man is a fossil of his formerly glorious and deeply flawed self.

And so, the day the news broke that our 39th President of the United States had been entered into at-home hospice care, nobody was surprised. The nation wept the tragic demise of our chillest president. By noon on that fateful February day, everybody had grieved the loss of good ‘ol Mr. Peanut. We fell asleep humming the national anthem and reflecting on the turbulence of the late 70s, expecting to be awoken by the news of the tragic loss. But alas, he rose again the following day. In fact, on the day I write this (9/11), Carter has been in at-home hospice care, with no life-prolonging measures, for 204 days. To put some things in perspective, I’m going to list a few things that can happen in 204 days’ time. A premature baby could be born, or a full-term baby if you’

re an antelope. A tragus piercing could be healed. All Too Well (10-minute version) (Taylor’s Version) could be played 29, 376 times. 2448 glasses of milk could spoil. And somehow, in all of that time, Carter’s heart has kept on pumping poisonous blood to his already poisoned brain.

by bemmy


Many had forgotten about the perishing president until, two weeks ago, when the New York Times reported once again on the Georgian geriatric. What they said: that Carter was alive and well, but “in his final chapter.” And so, once again, Carter’s wrinkly little face was on the hearts and minds of the country, bringing back all of the pain of our grief seven months prior. But miraculously, the man is still chugging along.

Now that I’ve had some time to process my mourning, allow me to share with you some theories on his apparent immortality. First, Carter isn’t real at all and was simply a government plant to help Reagan win the 1980 election. This theory is widely rejected by other Carter scholars, but I am firm in it. Second, Carter is being kept alive simply to up the readership of the New York Times. This theory was also once supported by the prolonged livelihood of Queen Elizabeth II. And third, Carter is actually an alien in a human suit and he will never die because he has unfinished, and likely oil-related, business in this earthly realm. Whatever you may believe, we can all agree that the day James Earl Carter Jr. dies for real, everything will become unimaginably worse. 

Categories: bemmy, news, oedipussy, sept. 19, Vol 27

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