swords… and lords

by theriddeller

Alass! The green hills of the stoic University of Vermont campus are graced by a cavalcade of new and intrepid adventurers who seek to test wicked steel in the Historical Fencing Club. I too was once tantalized by the promise of armed combat but that prominent masculine urge has been quelled by an addiction to Elder Scrolls Online. What the fencing club seems to be today is a troop of armed charlatans who battle within the blessed cones of protection, for the glory of victory. To test one’s might and honor within the arena of sacred combat. Where some see an honorable bout of one such paladin’s ability, I see the chance for improvement.

While gazing from the peasant’s perspective out of the arena in such serf-like garb, a great pondering struck me: “For whom do these noble knights fight for?”. I gazed around the coliseum near the basketball courts and saw no such royal authority who would allot such a duel. I was stunned and found myself soundly outraged that these brave ruffians squabble and practice for no recognition of a higher ordained presence. It feels like such a macabre display for such warriors to be unnoticed.

My humble suggestion is that perchance a royal authority be present for each cascading melee. In order that they might officiate and give royal boons to hardy fighters that grace the planes of moral peril. I can imagine them so clearly, adorned in the royal purples and golds while they observe their peons struggle for regal recognition. The ruler would gaze about the battlefield and select their champion who would be placed into the coned arena and fight hordes of untrained freshman squire, each falling more faultfully than the last. The champion would then bow and rest his weapon at the lord’s royal feet before having to face the most arduous task yet, Defeating the Rally Cat in single combat.

by abbie kopelowitz

Indeed! For the oration stones placed around the athletic campus hold a dark secret. They harbor the dreaded Rally Cat. I stumbled upon this dark forbidden secret by accessing the Billings Library Labyrinth and subsequently slaying the Sphinx of Riddles. But that is a tale for another day. In the end, my discovery of the dark Rally Cat secret was found in an ancient tome that contained other such locations around campus that detailed many such monsters and mysteries. Written within this ancient tome is a description of the great beast which lies underneath the athletic campus that some call “The Rally Cat”. After the regal authority, Who must be present for the ritual, Adorns the champion with his royal mark, He fights the great Rally Cat.

The Rally Cat is described in little detail besides its hulking figure and bulky fangs that protrude like daggers from a jagged and gaping maw. The Champion would then wrestle the beast in one on one combat. From that the brave knight would either be strong enough to overpower the wretched beast or collapse from exhaustion and become the fiend’s lowly meal. This great prophecy has not yet been accomplished by a great warrior and so the great Rally Cat waits to be vanquished and its great trove of gold be claimed to the most indebted undergraduate.

Indeed this great fortune lies at the feet of whatever great deity controls the campus and so such great feats have yet to be accomplished by the Historical Fencing club as they require a great Lord to fulfill the rites. But when such a great figure would step forward to be the rightful provider of royal authority there shall come a great undertaking, One which the University shant ever recover. 

Categories: cooler, sept. 19, theriddeller, Vol 27

%d bloggers like this: