olivia rodrigo killed some guy

by bemmy

Los Angeles, CA- Olivia Rodrigo: America’s current teenage sweetheart. An artist who used her teenage years to make sure we knew ours were hell, Rodrigo is back with a new album: GUTS. Referred to by nostalgia-tainted millennials as ‘Gen Z Avril Lavigne,’ Miss Rodrigo’s sophomore release is full of pop-punk hits that you’re only a little bit embarrassed to listen to in front of your adult friends. But, with the release of GUTS comes a shocking controversy. Rodrigo not only ‘slayed’ the album but also slayed an actual person. 

Guys, she literally got booked last night on vehicular manslaughter charges. And they didn’t even make her stay the night in jail. In interviewing the officers at the crime scene, I was shocked by some of their responses.

“She made that song I really like, that vampire song. Figured she didn’t need to spend the night all alone, poor thing. She’s only 19, you know,” stated LAPD’s own Sergeant Jones on that fateful Friday night.

“But a man is dead because of her actions,” I proclaimed, the shock of the situation setting in. These were professional police officers. Why were they letting a criminal off the hook?

“It’s out of my hands now, lady. If you have grievances, bring ’em up to the judge.”

Rodrigo has been effectively released without bail, and her trial is yet to be scheduled. Her pre-trial hearing isn’t until next February! Is anyone thinking about the family of the guy she ran over? Unbelievable. Only Fox News has attempted to cover the story, and it’s buried three pages deep on their news tab! Her team has also yet to release a statement on the matter, arguably pushing the public to brush it off. 

In reaching out to Olivia stans on Twitter, my belief was affirmed. However, instead of forgetting about the crime, people were DEFENDING her. 

by lindsey papasian

“he prob deserved it tbh i hate cheaters #guts #fuckmen,” user @bloodsuckerfamefucker tweeted minutes after the Fox News article went live. The man struck by Rodrigo’s car was happily married to his wife of six years. He leaves behind two beautiful children. 

“idrc if she hit someone with her car. prolly just a publicity stunt to promote the new album. mid asf btw,” @sexy.leftist.toes commented under RapTV’s post on the matter. 

Are these people fucking serious? Who cares that the album came out? Olivia Rodrigo hit someone with her car and literally has no remorse. 

That’s just the internet, right? Surely, people in real life care about Rodrigo’s self-proclaimed favorite crime, vehicular manslaughter. To really test my theory, I approached a random student wearing a Taylor Swift Eras Tour t-shirt. I figured if anyone would ignore Rodrigo’s current criminal conundrum, it would be her.

“Yeah, I really liked all-american bitch. She was like, in my head when she said ‘I know my age and I act like it,” the 26-year-old claimed. 

“But do you care about the homicide charges? She literally hit someone with her car on purpose,” I questioned. There’s no fucking way she’d gloss over that.

“I heard they drop the charges if you crack the top 40 on Billboard.”

Unbelievable. I’m done here. Stream GUTS I guess.

Categories: bemmy, news, sept. 19, Vol 27

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