live laugh love leeches

by saraj

Tallahassee, FL— In an unexpected turn of events, Governor Rob DeSantis has unveiled his latest groundbreaking healthcare initiative: urging Walgreens to stock leeches. Yes, leeches—because nothing says “cutting-edge healthcare in America” quite like the creatures that peaked in popularity around the time of the Black Plague.

In the latest Fox News headline that could only be described as a jaw-dropping spectacle of comedic audacity, Governor DeSantis announced on a platform outside a local Tallahassee Walgreens, “As stated in the Bible verse Ken 10:9, ‘You can be the greatest, you can be the best/You can be the King Kong bangin’ on your chest.’ God brought us all together to embrace this living organism that can cure all our problems! Including mental illnesses. And what exactly do you call an old bloodsucking leech? Hillar-” The Governor was ushered off the stage. 

The Governor’s enthusiasm for this antiquated remedy is contagious, but perhaps not in the way he’d hope. Leech therapy, or “leechology” as he fondly calls it, has indeed been used throughout history, alongside other brilliant medical practices like bloodletting and treating illnesses.

Critics might argue that modern medicine has come a long way since the days of leeches, but Governor DeSantis remains undeterred. “Listen, folks, these little guys have been in the business for millions of years. They know what they’re doing,” he contends, clearly forgetting that evolution tends to favor creatures that have backbones.

“I can’t tell if this is a joke or not,” says Dr. Anthony Fauci of The National Institutes of Health, bewilderment painting his face. “There’s a reason we have a longer lifespan than an individual in the 14th century, and I think most civilians in Florida would like it to stay that way. Leeches have the ability to spread diseases and viruses like any other vector—with direct contact.”

But why stop at Walgreens? One can’t help but wonder if Governor DeSantis’s vision extends to a future where leeches become as common as bandaids. Of course, there are the extreme Leftists. Some may argue that leech therapy lacks scientific rigor and that modern medicine has made leaps and bounds in the last few centuries. But Governor DeSantis begs to differ. “Science is not real! It is a hoax!” he exclaims, dismissing centuries of medical progress with a speculation from the public that maybe a leech or two got into his head. “They work like magic! But slimier! Headache? Take yourself a leech. Too much iron? Leech! Lonely? Not with a pet leech!” And no, he did not take any questions from reporters, though his sanity was challenged by scientists at the NIH, CDC, and FDA with how would all these leeches be sold? Can they be reused and how to dispose of them? What happens if they aren’t sold? What consecrates choosing leech therapy over acetaminophen?

Critics may say this is just another outlandish idea from the Republican Governor, but who needs expert medical advice when you have a notion that leeches are the answer? He is ready to embark on a new era of healthcare—one slimy bloodsucker at a time.

Disclaimer: This article is a work of satire and is intended for entertainment purposes only. Any resemblance to real events is purely coincidental. Please consult a qualified healthcare professional for actual medical advice and treatment. Do not try this at home or in your dorm.

Categories: news, sara j, sept. 19, Vol 27

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