le$bian seagulls: the homosexual agenda

by pucylowell

Ornithologists and lesbians everywhere, LISTEN UP. Back in 1977, The New York Times published an article titled “Extensive Homosexuality Is Found Among Seagulls Off the Coast of California”. Yes, you read that correctly. Researchers George and Molly Hunt (1977) discovered that seagulls off the coast of California were laying more eggs than usual in their nest. Turns out the lady seagulls would use the male seagulls for fertilization, then ditch them to raise their eggs/children-gulls with their female partners. SO the nests were actually the homes of two-mom families! Through further research and testing the researchers found that these female loving seagulls would also engage in homosexual sex!!! Now, I’m not exactly sure how they know that or what that looks like BUT I can almost guarantee there was one guy out there getting off to lesbian seagull sex. 


Now, back in the 70s, this caused a large uproar amongst those identifying as heterosexual. Like big issues. People were DISTRAUGHT that federal tax money was backing this discovery. What I’m most distraught about is how do you tell apart male and female identifying seagulls… I mean they all look pretty similar to me. Anyway, many journalists drew comics that depicted humorous commentary on the subject while conservatives wrote articles about how this discovery was plaguing our country. I’m surprised no one made the “Birds aren’t Real” claim 

There was even a SONG written about this discovery. It is titled “Lesbian Seagull” (obviously) and was written and sung by Engelbert Humperdinck. Honestly, it’s a really sweet song! The song is jazzy, soft, and passionate including lines like; “She [lesbian seagull] proudly lifts her voice to sound her mating call, and soon her mate responds by singing caw, caw, caw”, “Come with meeeee, lesbian seagulllll. Settle down and rest with meeee! Fly with me, lesbian seagullll!!, “As they watch the setting sun, she looks at her as if to say ‘The Day is Done’”. Literally so sapphic. I hate to say it, but this could potentially make it into my top 5 of the year. They even use this song in the Beavis and Butthead movie. I’ve never seen this show nor the movie, but I did watch the scene that they used this song for. It was confusing, there was a high school teacher singing the song for his students while the police raided the school. I’m gonna have to actually watch the movie to give it context.

by abbie kopelowitz

Now these lesbian seagulls are not the first animals to depict homosexual tendencies. One of the most popular are the gay penguins at the Central Park Zoo! These penguins were trying to hatch rocks together, so the zookeepers gave them an egg to see what would happen. Then boom, the couple hatched the egg!! This trail-blazing couple was featured in everything from picture books to the show Parks and Rec. There are also queer rattlesnakes, manatees, humans, dolphins (duh), bats, whiptail lizards, deer, lion (we can feel the love tonight), salmon, dragonflies, house flies, and koalas! This is only a few! If that doesn’t prove it’s natural, then I don’t know what will. 


Well I hope you feel enlightened and learnt a little history! I for one will be clearing my history due to the amount of times I typed “Lesbian Seagull Video” while trying to find the Beavis and Butthead movie clip. 

Categories: cooler, lucy powell, sept. 19, Vol 27

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