by kitten

Dear Kitten, 

My ass is so fat it won’t fit in my jeans 🙁

Please help. 

Joe

Dear Joe,

As a fellow owner of a dump truck (for proof, DM me on Twitter), I can relate!

This summer, on a rainy August night, all of my pants got stolen (yes, really) and I was set with the challenge of buying new pants. I found it very disheartening to try on pair after pair of jeans that wouldn’t make their way past my mid-thigh. 

In terms of pants that look great and also give you an ass of an angel, I have a few suggestions: 

1. The flare yoga pant. 
   1. This one does a number on my ass. If I leave class to go to the bathroom while wearing these, many eyes might just wander away from the chalkboard. Another one that fits in this category is the flare hippie pant, the kind that you bought at Target in high school for decades day or a Halloween costume. 
2. The sisterhood of the traveling pants jean. 
   1. This is probably my favorite. It’s your most forgiving, loving, gentle yet supportive jean. She lifts you up, she likes to have fun, and most importantly, she’s got your back– and your cheeks. 
3. The loose goose. 
   1. The loose goose is easy, breezy, and beautiful. She is a flowy skirt or  a long dress. Sometimes she comes in the form of a muu muu. She loves you for you. I recommend her if you’re looking for a break from all the attention.

Lastly, I just wanted to acknowledge the fact that having a dumpy is not always easy. Sometimes you want people to see you for your big heart and not your butt. I understand. Joe, I see you for your big heart and hope that this helps. 

Yours, 

Kitten

Categories: kitten, sept. 19, the runoff, Vol 27