beat the heat: a guide to north beach

by titty.tino

Ah yes, you’re planning to visit Burlington, Vermont, how exciting!  Oh. You want to spend some time at North Beach Park, or even camp there for a few days?  Nice.  Well, after spending many a summer day atop a sunburnt lifeguard tower at that very establishment, I’ve set out to offer a complete and total Tourist’s Guide to North Beach (for only three payments of 19.99, I’m underpaid)!  I’ve come to realize that patrons forget to pack their brain cells when coming here, so perhaps this will clear up your confusion.  In fact, I’ve even broken it up into sections to make it easier for your mouse brain to digest. 


The “College Section” 

Yes, Cheryl, it’s very unfortunate that they congregate in front of the playground but no, I’m not going to tell them to relocate.  The Herd has migrated to that spot for generations, I can’t disrupt nature’s patterns.  I’m aware your kids are here and you don’t want them to be exposed to “young ladies in thong bikinis” and “fraternity boys trying to rap.”  And no, I can’t do much about the loud music they’re playing.  It’s just not my fault, I’m here to watch the water.  Literally just go to the other side of the beach, it’s going to be okay.  



Please just get out when I say there’s toxic bacteria in the water.  I understand that you’ve been coming here for 30 years and haven’t had an issue, but Burlington keeps dumping peepeepoopoo water into the lake so here we are. It’s 3:47pm and we’re just now testing the water, how could we???  Well Dave, you see it wasn’t sunny this morning, so the water was clear, but now that it’s really hot and sunny, our little friends decided to bloom because that’s just how it works.  And no, your kids can’t just “swim anyways because they’ve been looking forward to it,” but you know what, be my guest!  Deal with their diarrhea in a few hours!  Don’t blame me for ruining your trip, literally go anywhere else next time.  No actually never mind, you’re right and I was wrong.  In fact, go ahead and “Drink the water, it’s a great cocktail mixer” (Zoe G., lifeguard). 



There’s a middle-aged white man smoking by the women’s bathroom? Oh yeah don’t mind him, that’s just Gary.  He runs the restaurant.  I promise he’s mostly harmless, he just wants friends.  He’s definitely high, but it’s okay, that’s how we like him. 



For the 1083998245th time, we do not allow floaties in the swim area.  I don’t care that you took the time to sit there and blow them up, I’m not making exceptions for you, McKinsleigh. If you have a problem, please feel free to take it up with the Vermont Coast Guard!  Periodt. 


Save yourself the trouble and don’t sit at the end of the boardwalk, that’s Bruce’s spot. As with any troll that guards a bridge, it’s best to befriend him, so offer him a lukewarm Busch Light and be on your way.    

Basic Common Sense 

Okay these things feel very obvious to me, but apparently not to your demographic, so allow me to lay them out for you in plain english.  As my boss advises, “Don’t be a cunt, I’m not fucking kidding” (Emily, Assistant Manager).

  • As a lifeguard, does it look like you can rent paddle boards from me? No? Good job, Deborah!
  • No, you may not come into the tower with me while I am working, literally get down. 
  • For the love of D-O-double G, please keep your kayaks and SUP’s out of the swim area, those bright orange lines aren’t just cutie decorations.
  • I, in fact, can see you actively staring at my butt, Todd!
  • Did you even attempt to find the bathrooms? Just keep walking around the building, I promise you’ll see them very soon!
  • Nope!  I don’t have any frisbees, sand toys, swimsuits, etc. that you can purchase.
  • Your baywatch joke was actually super funny and original, please yell it at me again! 

Categories: around town, sept. 19, titty.tino, Vol 27

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