jack and the beanstalk: the magic power of beans

by mayas

I am sure most of you all are familiar with the famous fairy tale of Jack and the Beanstalk. 

Jack was a poor boy who lived with his widowed mother. One day his mother asked Jack to sell his favorite cow. So he goes to the market, tries to sell the cow, blah blah blah. He is unsuccessful, but on his way home a strange man offers him five magic beans. Jack agrees and goes home with five magic beans and no cow. Jack’s mom is pissed. 

“Idiot! Now we have useless magic beans and no cow.”

She threw three beans out the window, but little did she know that Jack had pocketed 2 of the beans. She sent him to bed without dinner. 

Poor little starving Jack sat on his bed. Suddenly, he remembered the magic beans in his pocket. He ate them, hoping they would solve his hunger. 

Jack dozed off, hunger still gnawing at his stomach. 

He woke up with a start. His body felt weird. His arms, legs, and fingers were tingly. He looked up at his ceiling…what were those colors swimming around?

What Jack didn’t know is that the magic beans were laced with LSD and that he was currently on the acid trip of a lifetime. 

Jack got up to look out his window, hoping the fresh air would make him feel normal. But outside was a giant beanstalk. 

I have to climb it, Jack thought. 

What Jack didn’t know was that he was still lying on his bed, staring at his ceiling. He was so high on LSD that he had broken into another dimension in his imagination. 

Jack climbed the beanstalk: one arm over the other, right arm then left arm as his legs shimmied beneath him. 

He ooed and awed at the myriad of colors and the fluffiness of the clouds he was climbing through. 

As he reached the top, the ground of clouds started to shake. 

“Fee, Fi, Fo, Fum,” Jack heard, “I smell the blood of an Englishman.”

Jack sniffed himself, did he smell? Of course he did. He lived in ye olden days and they didn’t have deodorant. 

An offended Jack climbed the last bit of the beanstalk. His mouth dropped when he saw the palace at the top. 

I am going to steal things, thought Jack. 

Jack wandered into the majestic mansion. He grabbed some gold coins and a chicken who laid golden eggs. He snuck around, hoping to find some more loot. Instead, he smacked into a smushy wall of flesh. It was a woman.

She, as Jack learned, was the Fee-Fi-Fo-Fum guy’s wife. She was very relieved to have company. The marriage wasn’t going well, she said. They got married too young and she didn’t have any company up on the beanstalk. 

The ground started to shake and the woman told Jack to run away because her husband was a cannibal with an affinity for smelly, peasant children. So Jack stuffed the cock in his pants, grabbed the gold coins, and ran. But then he heard a harp. Now remember, Jack was tripping on LSD and the music sounded exquisite. So he had to have the harp. He steals that too and races down the beanstalk. 

Jack got back to his room and lied on his bed in a trance, listening to the music of the harp and seeing a kaleidoscope dance in front of his eyes. 

He gained consciousness the next morning, freaking out. He looked around him and saw all the gold and thought holy fuck I am rich.  

He and his mother lived happily ever after. 

Moral of the story kids: always take food from strangers, drop acid, and take shit from random houses. That is the key to happiness. 

Categories: April Fools 2023, maya s

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