Brr! Vermont has seen some pretty cold days so far this winter. Have you been keeping warm? We hope so! Some of the furry friends around campus have their own tips and tricks for staying toasty.
Warm fur helps Rally beat the chilly temps, but his favorite winter evening activity is a classic alcohol blanket. Rally loves getting blasted all by his lonesome. If he’s really feeling warm, he’ll even go outside for a drunk cig!
Greta the taxidermied catamount doesn’t stay warm. Her shriveled skin and fur are stretched on a life-size frame, and her lifeless eyes don’t blink at even the strongest, most frigid winds.
Res Hall Rats:
The rats of the UVM residence halls love to cuddle up behind laundry machines. Every lost sock goes towards a mega-bed where they hibernate through the winter months. Watch out, if they got cold enough they might chew through some wires and start an electrical fire.
Other than for brief walks, the dog being kept as a suspiciously-diagnosed ESA is spending every waking moment in the 80-square foot dorm of its owner. You know, it could be worse, honestly!
Marsh Life Science Taxidermied
You might think that, like Greta, the taxidermied display animals by the MLS lecture aren’t affected by the cold. However, every morning an unpaid undergraduate lab assistant actually comes in and puts little gloves and hats on each animal! Biology department researchers haven’t yet determined whether or not they have souls, but they think it’s better safe than sorry.
This raccoon stole your black North Face puffer from Sputies! Unfortunately, he’s going to be much toastier than you on the long walk up Main Street. Every stolen coat is resold on the underground black market raccoon Depop, but your’s might be his favorite, so keep an eye out…
Davis Center Turtles:
To distract themselves from the chilly temps, the turtles of the Davis Center ground floor escape every evening to play pool, drink, and gamble. The Information Desk Assistants know all about it, but it’s a ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ kind of thing.
Categories: April Fools 2023, soygirl