If the fashion police existed, some of you would need good lawyers. I’m joking, really, but over the past weeks, I have taken notes on some interesting style choices which I will now be critiquing for my own amusement.
Now I must preface that this should not be taken seriously; I am just expressing my frustrations with the higher powers of UVM for not having a fashion program. Now everyone knows the saying, “art is with the eye of the beholder” but according to my eye, some of you don’t behold it.
To start I think it’s best to address all of the granola, crunchy folk who make up a large sum of UVM’s student body. You know who you are; wearing solely Patagonia, Carhartt, overalls, earth tones, and flap-brimmed hats of course. Now I can understand the desire to dress like a tree, but we must not forget that most of these crunchy clothing brands are cultivated in sweatshops and a product of fast fashion. That’s totally not good for the trees!!! Not to mention overalls are for two types of people: painters, duh… but also toddlers. So they don’t lose their pants. So, what does that say about you?
Honorable mentions for the flannel-wearing people; you all embody the vibes of autumn so well. In fact, UVM should designate an arboriculture major for all you aspiring lumberjacks.
Now don’t think I have forgotten about an outdoorsy person’s favorite footwear, the epitome of environmentalism; Blundstones. Now I understand their practicality, but seriously they are the white airforces of Vermont. There comes a point where I wonder if the people who own them are just too lazy to buy a separate pair of hiking boots.
Now the people who wear hiking boots regularly, they are just about prepared for anything, I must confess, I admire their willingness to battle the monstrous peaks each day throughout campus.
Speaking of hills, how could I not mention the beanie-wearing skater boys? I know you all use your skateboard as an accessory, (or rollerblade if that’s your fancy) but we know you haven’t washed your hair in weeks, you’re not hiding it from anyone!
Okay, this goes out to all the bitches who dress as grandmas. I know being at school can make us miss our families, especially our dear grandmothers, but dressing like them won’t make them magically appear. Some of you have me doing double takes when I see platinum blonde hair girls wearing chains on their glasses and cheugy holiday sweaters! Now I can’t even give any of you shit because you are all killing the game. I want to be each and every one of you, especially the ones that openly knit or crotchet during class, SLAY!
Now how I could forget the UVM happy hippie girlies? Your dedication to a distinctive aesthetic that consists of mix-matching patterns, Yerba matte as accessories, and 30-ish pounds of jewelry (mainly bracelets), really is the backbone of UVM culture. It almost makes me forget about the silent majority of you who purchase your clothes from Amazon to support the planet one fossil fuel at a time.
If I didn’t mention you it’s because you either have the best style in the world and I envy you or your clothes are so painfully boring. To each your own, but at the end of the day clothes are just clothes, and we’d all look better in our birthday suits!