the long emergency: pda

by heinuswanus

PDA: public displays of affection. Or as I like to call it, ‘people in love rubbing it in everyone’s face because why the fuck not.’ Now I know what you’re thinking, and yes I am single. So is this article biased in that I am lonely, bitter, and seeing any sign of love makes me want to break down crying? Yes. But I don’t care because it’s MY article. So shut up and listen to me rant about my hatred of PDA. 

Despite what you just read I am a reasonable person and understand why some people engage in PDA. And maybe if I was dating someone I would feel differently, but what I do know is that there are many places on campus that allow both you and your partner to be intimate without having to condemn the public to watching your love. So where are these magical places I speak of? Well I’m glad you asked.

Starting off we have laying in a hammock together at night (brownie points if you both actually fit in it). A classic UVM tradition that has been enjoyed for generations. Cozying up in the pines together is truly the pinnacle of any relationship here and really shows your trust in not only each other but also in the two pine trees holding you up. In this setting both you and your partner can enjoy a heartfelt moment as the cloak of night shields the eyes of the (probably stoned) people making their innocent way on the path. We would all love some more respect and privacy in our lives right?

Another great place is the gender neutral bathrooms. Doesn’t matter who you’re getting freaky with, as long as it’s consensual it’s okay. The one rule with these places: DON’T BE LOUD. or do. It’s your sex life, not mine.

 Please keep in mind we’re not limited to buildings. Sometimes you might need to think ‘outside the box’ and by that I mean in a metal box, aka your car (if you are one of the few who have a car on campus). With this option the opportunities are endless as to where you and your beloved want to get down and dirty in the backseat of your Subaru.

At this point you may be asking yourself ‘why all this fuss about PDA?’ And honestly it is a valid question. Allow me to answer this question with a story:

It is a breezy October afternoon. The setting is the second floor of the infamous Howe library. After finishing some homework the iced coffee has finally moved through you so you begin to make your way to the bathroom. Walk the halls, pass the corner, and then boom! Two people just cuddled up at a desk without a care in the goddamn world. You’re flabbergasted. Taken aback. Frozen. You try to keep moving as your mind races and eventually make it to the bathroom.

I know. A harrowing ordeal. And this here ladies, gentlemen, and theys is why I make such a fuss about PDA. Because that encounter altered my whole day. I couldn’t think straight as my thoughts were masqueraded by the image of that couple just enjoying each other in a place no student truly enjoys being. And this has nothing to do with the couple themselves. Just what they were doing in the fucking Howe library. This may be just my opinion, but the second floor of Howe is not sexy to me. Intimate? Romantic? More like judgy and moderately quiet. 

To me PDA is best when it is behind closed doors. And by that I mean in your own dorm room where people are not constantly walking by wondering why you’re kissing in front of central dining hall. Frankly no dining hall at UVM is nice enough to share a high-five in – let alone kiss. Anyways, I digress. Being in the comfort of just you and your person in a quiet dorm room with NO ROOMMATE PRESENT (because dear god please let your roommate have some peace) provides more intimacy while also protecting the eyes of us normal people just trying to make it to class on time. Which brings me to my final point since I see it everywhere: hand-holding. Very simple, very sweet, but altogether an inconvenience. Every person stuck behind you must now pass by not one but TWO people. Two! And if you’re both slow walkers then you’re asking to get pushed at this point. (If either partner’s slow walking is out of their control they do not count towards this complaint and would not be pushed.) Truthfully hand-holding is about the only form of PDA I can tolerate. And by tolerate I mean I’ll still curse you out in my head if I see you, but I won’t be seething. Any other form of PDA? That’s a different story.

Categories: heinus wanus, nov 16, side bar

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