politics and potatoes: idaho election newsflash

by danalavender

I am, according to my roommate, an “Idahoe”. And while they may be correct (I’m now comfortable showing off my shoulders???), it still stings nonetheless. You see, the problem with you New England Patriots is that you have no idea what is happening outside your little, liberal, blue-haired bubble. Hell, I’m sure half of you thought I was talking about Iowa, or maybe Ohio! No. No. NO. We don’t eat corn, we eat POTATOES. Ok?? There are DOZENS of us here, lurking in the shadows, waiting to take the reigns of this puny, weak state. Idaho II will soon arise! …

But while we discretely change the 802 to the 208, I might as well get you all familiar with the mother state’s customs. You see, in Idaho, what’s considered by you all as “Far Right” is considered “Politically Tolerable”. And what is “Borderline Fascist” is considered “Average Republican”. Take our current Governor, Brad Little, a man who opposes marijuana, trans rights, and abortion. According to Vermonters, Brad Little would be tied by his ankles and burned at the stake! But because he got elected right when COVID hit and had somewhat sensible policies, he is seen by Idahoans as an Anarchist Antifa Terrorist! 

Enter Janice McGeachin: protector of American rights of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness (i.e. not getting 5G microchips injected into your veins via Bill and Melinda Gates — may their marriage rest in peace). Elected as Lt. Governor, she bravely steps in to protect the liberties of the silent majority—the white people who fly a Confederate flag from their F150—whenever Gov. I-Didn’t-Care-For-Will-And-Grace steps out of town. As acting governor, Janice takes her responsibility of power calmly and rationally—hahahaha just kidding she reversed a mask mandate during a COVID spike <333. This was so insane that even Gov. Trans-People-Should-Wait-Until-They’re-75-Just-To-Be-Sure reversed it on his return. While Little did end up winning the Republican nomination for Governor, a divide certainly permeates between “Old Guard” Republicans and the “New Douches”.

A primary example of such is Ammon Bundy, an alt-right radio host who isn’t afraid to call out the Demon Rats and their pronouned agenda! In one such ad, Bundy warned Idahoans against “groomer” influence infiltrating our schools, with teachers respecting student’s names and pronouns O_O??? In fact, a certain special someone was featured in that ad as a groom-ed!! That’s right, I AM FEATURED IN AN ALT-RIGHT PROPAGANDA AD!! !(^○^) For purposes of not wanting to bring attention to the groomer agenda, I won’t reveal which ad or who I am, but trust me when I say my hair looked better than Bundy’s whole career <333. Another fundy Bundy story is the time when he shut down our local hospital, St. Luke’s, for treating a neglected, malnourished baby! Citing it as medical tyranny when CPS brought the child there against the parent’s wishes, Bundy and his supporters surrounded the hospital, causing St. Luke’s to enter lockdown due to how dangerous it got UwU.

So, the thing I’m trying to say here is that I hope you went out and voted last week. And if not, please get registered in your home state!! It’s super important to make sure that crazies like McGeachin or Bundy don’t hold actual positions of power and strip away people’s rights. … I mean to be fair Little is doing that too so uhhhh idk. Maybe the whole system is fucked up and what we really need is a Socialist Revolution (Bernie 2024 will really happen this time c’mon guys). But in the meantime, your vote and voice do matter, even in a system that tries to silence us.

Categories: dana lavender, news, nov 16