election results: behind the curtain

by b.s.

Today, Wednesday November 16, the nation is still settling from the excitement of the 2022 midterms. The fallout has been near nuclear and in this political climate, it is imperative that the informed citizen gets their election coverage from reputable sources, such as the water tower.

Nationally, the United States saw many firsts. Florida elected their first Gen Z representative, Massachusetts elected their first female governor, and Michigan saw their first Democrat ruled state senate in 40 years. Additionally, Pennsylvania elected their first very big man to the US Senate, and excited gamblers–eager for an opportunity to win back the money they lost on the Phillies–have placed over-unders on how many senators John Fetterman will eat during his first term. The great state of Georgia has voted to abolish voting for good. “Citizens” chose to install a benevolent dictatorship, but a runoff election has to take place to select the leader, dubbed by many as Big G. Before deciding to give up on elections altogether, $271 million was spent on campaigning in Georgia alone. For reference, that money could have been spent verifying nearly 2.8 million parody Twitter accounts for an entire year. What a waste. Voters across the nation chose to abolish slavery (a little confused by this one, thought we did this 150 years ago) and give women the right to shoes. 

sam stillman

Statewide, Vermont saw absolutely no change to their state house. They went to sleep Tuesday night and the houseit was in Montpelier, and when they woke up Wednesday morning it was in the exact same place. Despite little to no change in legislators, Vermonters voted on a number of important ballot initiatives. The most widely received ballot initiative was Proposal A, passing with an 89% yes rate. The proposal asks Vermonters to allocate $43.5 billion to revamping I89 in a way never before seen in the nation. The state will be adding nine hundred million cubic feet of asphalt to I89, so as to tilt the interstate forty five degrees. I89 northbound will now be physically uphill, while I89 southbound will now be physically downhill. The project will create five thousand jobs, and begin when you least expect it. This is an important step to keeping out of staters OUT of STATE. Vermont set some election records as well, with the most men named Peter on one ballot, and by electing their first Congresswoman: Bella Ballot. Election fraud in Vermont was at a record low, with no one saying they did it. 

Locally, Burlington residents had to choose between many difficult initiatives. Residents were left scratching their heads when deciding whether to vote yes on a better recycling facility, building a high school without asbestos, and choosing fifteen different people for Justice of the Peas. (Justice of the Peas are responsible for settling gardening disputes, a real problem here in VT.) 70.81% of registered Burlington residents voted, which is nearly two times higher than the national average. This number can largely be attributed to Burlington’s voter intimidation strategies, where instead of deterring folks from the polls, left wing college students break into homes and bring registered voters to the polls at gunpoint. Burlington’s sixteen thousand voters contributed two thousand nine hundred and fifty five “unresolved write-ins”, the most written being “poop”, followed by “minecraft.” Burlington voters decided not to allocate funds for a new high school, and instead voted for go with a secret third option thing: use the proposed funds ($165 million) to purchase “infinite dirt” for the city’s beloved pit. This comes during a global dirt shortage, so Burlington has been crowdfunding dirt by excavating soil from under people’s homes while they are out, city officials defending this method by saying “they weren’t even using it.”  

A handful of local initiatives didn’t get enough signatures to make it on the 2022 midterm ballot. These initiatives include a relief fund for Burlington bands who had the cops show up to their gigs, proposal to fund a high speed bus, and a half assed petition for UVM to “stop.” These failed initiatives can be found in City Hall outside the town clerk’s office with mean sticky notes posted around them. 

All in all, the 2022 midterms defied expectations from political analysts. The Goop was predicted to have a red wave but ended up only having a light flow and mild cramping, no headaches. The Democrats won more races than expected so someone should probably look into whether they were doping. If the Water Tower were a betting man they might predict that Big G will have a last name beginning with W. As we move towards the holiday season remember not to talk to your relatives about the big three: Pussy, Pronouns, and Politics. Stay wet.

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