by varunvijay

In a worrying and disheartening series of events in the past week, multiple UVM professors, teaching assistants, and campus employees have been ex- posed for their true identities – villains from the television series and media franchise Scooby-DooTM®.

To start, several students noted suspicious behavior about General Chemistry TA Lewis Dahtstructer. Students instructed by him reported never having seen him stand, walk, breathe, blink, or even speak during lab. The students insisted on having understood his in- structions just by looking into his eyes. One student, Evan Ross, did hear the words, “I AM THE SWAMP MONSTER” echo from the laboratory after the block had ended, but he “had no way of knowing if it was the Swamp Monster from Scooby Doo specifically,” and “would have intervened otherwise.” Investigations rose as more people began to notice a strange stench and trail of swamp-like goo everywhere Dahtstructer went after the lab block ended. Custodian Dave Peterson was especially apprehensive, stating that he was “not a STEM major, but that did not look like science goo.”

The ‘Teaching Assistant’ was in the middle of clogging the toilets at Innovation Hall when he was caught by Jacqueline Williams before her 8:30, an experience they both later reported being “super embarrassing.” First responders attempted to detain the Swamp Monster, but he kept phasing through their weapons with all his goopiness and leaving them “gross and wet.” This was an uphill battle for our esteemed Horror Officers, but it was unfortunately one they were unable to win.

“I liked being all soaked and grimy,” stated officer Hawk Lipari, unprompted. Investigations of this strange anomaly will be underway in due time.

Concluding the encounter, the Swamp Monster ran away screaming “YOU MEDDLING KIDS,” which was very belittling to college students everywhere, and a statement of apology is expected ASAP. This was especially saddening, however, to the students of General Chemistry 031, who would never get a chance to look into the monster’s mesmerizing eyes ever again. The UVM Office of Horror Management is working on a write-up as a new hire for the Monster’s position is being pursued.

Additionally, everyone’s favorite former Animal Science Professor, Martha Lawrence, was exposed as Professor Pericles, (the parrot from Scooby-Doo! Mystery Incorporated) after she accidentally squawked during lecture.

“We don’t take kindly to squawking here at UVM,” said Humphrey, an eyewitness student, “so we knew we had to investigate.” Pericles’s position is still considered under review as her name is still technically “Professor,” and the board has yet to find anything wrong with that.

Data Science Professor Charles Fenlon has always been known for his superhuman ability to speed walk and to understand Data Science. These heightened abilities may be more than just coincidence, as the rumors of his true identity are growing. Charlie the Funland Robot was a villain from the original series who would speed walk and emit a sonar sound when nearing his victims, but there is evidence that the robot has speed walked all the way to UVM’s campus to wreak havoc and instill fear into the students. It would also explain the robot’s understanding of Data Science, because “no one is that good at data science,” as stated by some kid we found.

With all of these terrible occurrences, we are only left to wonder “who’s next?” Will UVM continue hiring staff without proper background checks? Is this what we’re spending our tuition money on? Without Scooby, Shaggy, Velma, Fred, and Daphne, the student body feels collectively powerless against campus threats like this one. But there is hope. This is a call to action to form a new Mystery Incorporated team of UVM students to fight against the ghouls and goblins on campus! Sign-ups will be held next week in the Davis Center. Together, we can face the wrath of the godforsaken Scooby-Doo villains! 

Categories: erin troiano, news, october 25, varun vijay