by chessgod12

War, famine, death, destruction, sickness, and terror. You might be wondering what all of these things have to do with one another. Well, confused reader, allow me to give you a few hints: blonde, unfunny, the host of this year’s Oscar’s. Yep, that’s right. The one common thread linking all of these dreadful things together is, the one and only, Amy Schumer. A terrible plague upon the comedy world, she has been unleashing bad jokes centuries unto the public for what feels like centuries. If you thought you were safe in the far reaches of New England, you better think again because Schumer found us. Amy came. Amy saw. Amy conquered. Burlington is now in shambles: a tattered warzone is all that remains of the glorious cam- pus we once called home. No longer groovy. No longer UV. This is the end of times: the prophecy fulfilled. Listen closely and don’t forget, my dear catamounts, for it is with a heavy heart that I share the following message with you: Amy is here.

If you are one of my many loyal followers, you know that I, Chessgod12, am practically the Batman of northwestern Vermont at this point, only emerging in the direst of circumstances in order to protect and inform my fellow Burlingtonians. Not too long ago, I wrote to the public, instructing the com- mon folk on ways to keep Amy Schumer away from UVM. For those of you that, for whatever reason, don’t remember or didn’t read my previous public address, allow me to provide a quick recap. When I first caught wind of the she-devil’s impending arrival, I beckoned my comrades to lock their suites and board their windows, for Amy Schumer was nigh. In an inspiring community effort, we did it all: constructing nut perimeters, enlisting Tanya Harding, even sacrificing our precious Bus Ball. Well…I lament. In spite of all of our best efforts in repelling her arrival, the blonde bombshell has been dropped.

Now let me recount that fateful, gruesome day. For those of you who are easily dis- turbed, reader discretion is advised from this point onward. The crisp autumn morn- ing started out just like any other: the birds chirping, the bees buzzing, my neighbor’s dirt bike revving with the decibels of ten thousand jet engines. Nothing out of the or- dinary, right? WRONG. Amy had a trick up her sleeve for which we were not prepared. The comedienne reared her ugly head right as the leaves started to turn.

Due to the fact that Burlington floods with foliage enthusiasts every October, Amy saw an opportunity: she disguised herself amongst the leaf peepers and entered the city right under our noses. 

When Schumer invaded, UVM students and faculty crowded into the safest place on campus: the AGR/Theta tunnel. Time dragged on endlessly in the depths. Only through the strength in companionship of our catamount community did we survive it. Of course, it didn’t help that the AGR and Theta members would only let you upstairs to go to the bathroom if you could name five members. This ghastly waiting period felt like that part in Mockingjay where they just sit underground, but at least the people in District 13 had a Hemsworth brother with them, so our situation was worse. In the face of all of these challenges, we were persistent and didn’t give up. While Amy wreaked havoc and spat out marginally plagiarized jokes on the surface, we sat patiently. 

That’s not to say we didn’t put up a fight though. The ROTC mobilized valiantly for our cause, deliberately placing themselves in the path of bad humor in order to protect the rest of us. In a decisive moment, our UVM military trainees secured the upper hand for a brief moment. During those fleeting seconds, thousands of students, professors, and other staff members flooded out of the hidden tunnel, abandoning their safety in the secret subterranean hallway in order to escape the rampaging Schumer. Thankfully, the four operational Cat Busses were waiting above ground to help facilitate this critical and urgent evacuation. The F-35s roared overhead to distract and further hinder Amy’s advancement, but, alas, these attempts were futile. She was unafflicted and free to resume her destruction of our campus. 

Upon infiltration of the Burlington township, one of Schumer’s first targets was the ROTC house, a spot of critical importance. Amy waltzed right on up to the very place meant to house our university’s true protectors. A dastardly blow to our campus defense capabilities, Schumer’s poorly advised comedic endeavors utterly levelled the ROTC home base, but, fortunately, no lives were lost in this tragic strike. A lone flagpost is all that remains of the once majestic, perfectly cube shaped building. 

After the dust settled, Schumer slithered back from whence she came, leaving behind only a cowering shell of the town which she destroyed. My sources have yet to pinpoint her current whereabouts, but they can confirm one thing: Amy was only getting started. That’s right, fellow catamounts, she isn’t finished with Vermont just yet.  Alas, my valiant readers, I must bid you farewell for the time being, but I will leave you with the following words: Stay alert, for Schumer will return, and next time she’s bringing backup…

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