by matthaverty

Alright it’s Halloween and I’m trying to impress this goth girl. I’ve always had a thing for her and it wasn’t until recently that I finally felt like I had a shot at her agreeing to go out with me. I painted my nails black recently and I feel like that was the selling point.

So I asked her out and she said yes but that she wanted to do “an activity.”

And so I’m screwed right because I don’t do any activities. When I’m not in class or out with friends I just sit there breathing. And most of the time I forget that I’m breathing so I’m really just sitting there. I don’t have one hobby or interest that satiates me. That’s the deep pit inside of me that this date is supposed to fill.

So I thought alright this girl is like a witch or something…something witch adjacent. Like a ghoul…a sexy ghoul that I want to step on me with her boots on.

That’s besides the point though, so basically I’m thinking, “what would she like to do on a date?” Genius idea: corn maze.

It’s perfect…it’s spooky and on theme for the holiday, it’s kind of active and mysterious. There’s no way that after this date she won’t at LEAST wonder what I look like naked.

Corn mazes are sexy. Corn, as a vegetable oozes sex.

So I pick her up at her place and we head over to the maze. She’s wearing those black doc marten boots and fish nets. I almost got in a fatal car accident trying not to use her fishnets as floss.

We get to the corn maze and immediately they make you pay 11 dollars. I pay my 11 and she just sort of stands there. She’s standing there for a while just sort of looking at me like I was supposed to do something. And then I remembered I was on a date so I coughed up her 11 dollars. I have now spent 22 bands on this girl, ya know, if a band was one dollar.

So we go in the corn maze and it’s pretty fun at first. We’re swapping stories. I’m cracking jokes, she’s saying “that’s funny” without really laughing which shows she’s an intellectual. It’s great for a bit.

Then, she starts complaining that her feet hurt. Apparently the doc martens aren’t very conducive to long walks in the mud. We keep having to stop and take breaks which would have been fine except the sun was going down.

I keep telling her that we gotta keep moving or else we’ll get lost but she kind of shrugs it off. I was kidding around at first. Like, it wasn’t a super big deal but half way through I started to realize that I had actually gotten us horribly and irrevocably lost.

We passed this particular mound of dirt like twenty times before she finally noticed and she wasn’t happy when I told her that I had no idea how to get out.

At this point the sun starts getting really low and the wind is sort of, rustling the corn in an ominous way. We kept walking for a little while but with all the breaks we had to take because of her ankle blisters we didn’t make it very far. At the point I accept that we need to submit to the corn.

Now in normal circumstances I wouldn’t have been as cagey as I was but since this was a date our plan was to get dinner AFTER. So I’m running on one pop tart and a single quesadilla and I’ve been walking for hours.

We were there for a few hours before I considered eating her. She kept trying to tell me that I could just eat the corn but I explained to her that there’s really no nutrients in corn so it wouldn’t make a difference.

She was all like, “that’s not true!“ and so I explained to her that the reason corn is in your shit is because it doesn’t do anything for you. Then I got kind of side tracked about my theory that if you were really hydrated and all you ate was corn you could poop out corn and keep eating it for infinity.

She didn’t suggest that I eat corn after that which either means that I blew her away with my scientific theorem or she was really grossed out. So we’re there for hours and I really start thinking that I’m gonna eat this girl. Like I’d start with her legs first and then maybe get to a bicep before the morning sun guided me home but then I had an idea.

I told her to take off her fish nets and she was like “no way” and I assured her that it wasn’t like that. I go, “You see, we can USE your fishnets to trap an animal in it or something and eat that.” Like if a little Rat or, even better, a rabbit came along we could trap it in the fishnets and then eat it.

She wasn’t too into the idea because we didn’t have a fire to cook it and I tried to tell her that people eat sushi all the time but she didn’t go for it. This whole time, mind you, she’s complaining about these doc martens and her ankles and stuff. It’s driving me crazy. I’m hungry. I’m tired. And I’m genuinely worried that I’m gonna die out here if I don’t eat something. That’s when it happened.

I offered to untie her doc martens, just to ease her tension. We’re not gonna walk anymore, I said. We’ll just wait till morning. She was hesitant but let me do it…and I couldn’t stop myself. I ate the doc martens. AND LOOK LOOK before you JUDGE me and before you get all weird about it they’re GENUINE leather…okay? They were meat at some point…it’s basically like eating beef jerky. So I down the boot. I tore away at the leather like a rabid dog. I downed up the metal rings like they were spaghettios and I slurped up the laces like angel hair fucking pasta.

About an hour passed before I coughed out the aglets onto the ground. She just sat there and watched in complete silence as I devoured her boot. I tried to ease the tension after by saying “check, please” but it didn’t really work.

Categories: matt haverty