candy guide

by d.orkin

This time of year, everyone is talking about their Halloween plans. What costume they will wear, what party they will go to, and most importantly, where they will Trick or Treat. If you think we are too old for this timeless tradition, you are wrong. The thing college students love more than anything is stuff that you can eat for free. If you can’t cook, let the Hershey’s factory cook for you and let the population of Burlington distribute. If the mountains of bags at Target didn’t alert you, the time is coming for us to scour the streets of Burlington, looking for any scrap of candy that we can fit into our starving bodies. Do you want the biggest and best haul out of all your peers this year? Would you like to find full size candy bars and where they flow most consistently? Follow this guide to help your Halloween dream come true.

They say bigger is better, and no one says it more than the New North End residents. Although it is quite the trek for those sans vehicle, the payout is worth it. The name of the game is king size bars. In your hometown, you probably heard the legends of the king size bars. However, giving these away is reserved for those who want to prove their material comfort to children who will freak once you hand them a piece of chocolate bigger than their face. Having this in mind, it’s obvious where you must go. Now that we are adults, and we know how to complain about our bowel problems, the new North End option is only for the iron stomached. If you want quantity over quality, I can only direct you to our very own UVM campus. In this region, you can observe thousands of young students wasting their life savings on mountains of fun size candy that will end up getting thrown on the ground. The smart thing to do is wait until it is embedded in the earth, then once the milky way tree has grown, natural nougat nourishment will fall from the branches of this tree. What did you think they were engineering in Aiken? We covered the treat, now lets hear about some trick. The most extensive location of woodlands close to campus is the Centennial Woods Park, where many students may be found exploring as the leaves change and the babbling brook flows. Dare venture into this thick wooded plot at night, and the terrors of Halloween will be made clear to you. My freshman year roommate swore they saw slender man once while they were out on a mental health expedition. Beware the slender man! Besides this, the scariest creature known to humanity, the spider, frequently roams the woods, and can even make it into your bedroom. So watch out for spooks this Halloween, it’s not all treats. Downtown Burlington is home to some of the finest establishments this region has to offer. Maybe you are too old for the tradition and simply want to find somewhere out there where you can enjoy your old age and live out your days. Burlington closes at 8pm, is what I always say, but maybe for once we can keep it open for a few more hours this holiday. Maybe we can have a little fun, for once, before the oppressive cold beats down on this defenseless hamlet and closes us for good. Just remember to stay safe out there, there’s nothing wrong with getting one of those giant bags for yourself and eating the whole thing while watching season 3 of Glee. Maybe you can find me doing something similar, because the RA’s shut down the party I was at freshman year and I can never recover mentally after I plead guilty at the disciplinary hearing. This Halloween, you do what you want, be weird and be crazy, because that is what it is really all about.

Categories: around town, d.orkin, october 25

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