no more octobers (ever)!!!

by sophiewolfe

Due to extremely poor behavior from the greater human population over the last several years, the Powers That Be (you know the ones) have come to the decision that this October, 2022, will be the last October ever. Beginning in 2023, September will give way to December without any sweet autumnal reprieve, marking humanity’s last pathetic bus stop on the way down to hell. The month of October, long a favorite of anyone with a heart and a soul, will shut its doors next year after a long and successful career of tricking people into thinking that the coming winter will not be so bad after all.

Across the world, October fans are mourning this incredible loss in a myriad of ways. In the United States, one Michigander family took to the streets (the streets being their cul de sac in Grosse Pointe) to protest the matter. Led by their determined mother, who is trained in aggressive community action after years on the PTA, they carried petitions through the neighborhood, gathering signatures in favor of keeping October. Their efforts, of course, were for naught, as the great cosmic decision has already been made by a force more powerful than anyone in Michigan or anywhere else could begin to comprehend, but it must be said that those kids did look rather cute as they toted their meaningless propaganda through the affluent suburbs.

Elsewhere, in Old Britannia, the English populace has reacted in typically unreasonable fashion, undoubtedly still reeling over the loss of their heinous serpent queen earlier this September. In London, they threw their calendars into the Thames. In Liverpool, young men gathered in large groups to put cigarettes out on each other’s arms, though it remains unclear if this was an act of protest or just a continuation of their usual Thursday afternoon plans. In Manchester, everybody just started throwing punches in the street, though again it remains unclear if this behavior was directly related to the news or just what the rowdy Brits felt like doing at that moment.

The loss of perhaps the greatest month in the Gregorian calendar will have a stinging impact on every nation on Earth. Experts in the field have already begun to hypothesize what the coming year will look like with no October. Some have reasoned that Starbucks, long- running international champion of coffee sales, will shutter its doors after the once-ubiquitous Pumpkin Spice Latte is rendered irrelevant. Other October-de- pendent ventures will face similar losses, such as Spirit Halloween, which will almost inevitably be forced into permanent foreclosure after the death of its patron holiday. Black cats across the world will face an identity crisis, no longer able to claim the spooky title that was once their calling card. Pumpkin farmers, it is needless to say, will be pretty thoroughly screwed in general.

The impact, then, cannot be understated. We here at the water tower truly hate to be the bearer of such harsh news, especially during this traditionally festive time of year, but we feel it would be wrong to withhold such monumental information from the public. Our advice is to think back on the Octobers of the past, and remind yourself of the good times that you once shared, celebrating autumn with your loved ones. Unless, of course, you somehow wasted every October that you have been lucky enough to live through thus far, ignoring the changing leaves, not going apple picking, turning up your nose at jack-o-lanterns, and insisting on wearing shorts after temperatures have dropped North of 40. In that case, you’ve wasted your life, your behavior is irredeemable, and it is because of you that we are all losing the coolest month we’ve ever had. Gaze up at those last golden leaves still hanging from the trees, because they’re the last that you’re ever gonna see.

For further questions concerning this devastating event, please contact We can answer the questions you have about this issue, because it is real, and because we know everything.

Categories: news, october 25, sophie wolfe

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