by lizzygrant

Skateboard: Hello, thanks for coming in today!

Me: Thanks for having me, Skate!

Skateboard: Of course, so… let’s get down to business: dating.

Me: Yikes, I think we all have some stories to tell

Skateboard: Why yes, we do. So, can you enlighten us on your situation?

Me: eek boy, do I have a story for you. It was with a skater boy.

Skateboard: Oh, I know where this is going– description, please!

Me: Like a self-obsessed Alex G/Jesse Pinkman white boy indie skater core. Dirty hair, baggy cargo pants, and the same two sweatshirts. He was the one who wanted to go out and also dump me. He also flirted with other girls.

Skateboard: It’s giving a tiny brain and small dick energy with a bad sense of style.

Me: I let him walk all over me, Skate. Boy wore this stupid hat every day and would look around with his mouth half open–so dumb.

Skateboard: Oh girl, I know the feeling… Boy walks over me all the time. It’s getting a little old. I bet he’ll be bald by the age of thirty.

Me: I am more than sure of that. I let him borrow my favorite sweatshirt, which he did not return.

Skateboard: Damn! Pulling Taylor Swift’s All Too Well but 10-minute version, aren’t we? Wonder if Taylor ever got the red scarf back.

Me: Frankly, I don’t think she ever did.

Skateboard: Wait, an important question–what kind of smoker is he?

Me: A fat joint with a side of asthma.

Skateboard: SHEESH, what a phony, but all the worst are.

Me: Asthma is like a peanut allergy… I don’t trust them because they aren’t real..

Skateboard: So, what have you learned thus far?

Me: Never date a skater boy because they are foul and will make you cry.

Skateboard: FACTS!! Do your homework, kids! What was your favorite and least favorite moment?

Me: Um, favorite moment would be running in the rain with him…

Skateboard: That is actually stupid.

Me: Hey! You asked me.

Skateboard: True, anyways…

Me: My least favorite was that he broke up with me in the cold.

Skateboard: That is cold. Haha, get it?

Me: …

Skateboard: coughs hm, anyways, any lasting trauma from the situation?

Me: Trust issues

Skateboard: Valid as fuck.

Me: You know what is actually insane?

Skateboard: Do tell, my child.

Me: Every person I go out with has some close connection with him, and I am so fucking tired of it.

Skateboard: I am going to put my two cents in. You may hate me for saying this, but maybe it’s the universe telling you that it’s the right person, wrong time. Be patient with him.

Me: I hope someone steps on you very soon,

Skate. He is a manwhore I could care less about.

Skateboard: Oh good, you learned your lesson!

Me: Huh, I guess so. Thanks Skate!

Skateboard: Of course! And I think that is time, but to the audience reading, listening, and judging, thanks for tuning in, and I hope to see y’all very soon!

Me: Thanks for having me!

Skateboard: Anytime, bubba winks

Categories: fireside chats, interviews, lizzy grant, oct 11