The air was crisp Saturday, September 24th on UVM’s Trinity Campus. Known for being “far out,” not only in location but in political ideology, it came as a shock to residents when the excruciatingly loud sound of water tunneling through soggy earth was heard at 8:00 am.
A new statement by President SureshTM reads, “Due to lack of federal funding, the university must venture into new ways of filling the gap. Our finance team has worked countless hours deciding upon the most ethical choice of making revenue.” This ‘ethical choice’ apparently includes fracking, as everyone knows that the only way to make it big is by striking huge in the oil biz. Although not explicitly stated in the email, President Suresh heavily implied that the loss in federal funding was due to an increase in marijuana possession convictions on campus.
However, the new venture doesn’t just stop at fracking. UVM also plans to build a pipeline from the fracking site through downtown Burlington in order to, “dump the fracking waste in Lake Champlain more efficiently.” Champ is going to have a new pipe to suck on soon, let me tell you that. The pipeline is dubbed the Trinity Pipeline after its site of origin, a direct slap in the face to current residents on Trinity Campus.
As student outrage grew, a new Instagram account popped up on the horizon. @trinity_pipeline offers a unique perspective on the pipeline’s development, pledging to stay “unbiased” while privately raising funding for the pipeline. When asked for a comment on their stance on fracking, they replied, “We are an unbiased media source. Did you read our bio? You’re not a very good investigator.” Despite the fact that they hate me and want to see me dead, the coverage of the pipeline’s development has been well-documented via the Instagram account. Approximately 300 feet of pipe have been laid so far, with an additional 100 feet to be laid in the next few days.
Protests began almost immediately, because if UVM students like to do anything, it’s protesting. In response to the protests, President Suresh released another statement.
“If you want the fracking to stop, we’ll simply increase tuition again lol,” stated President Suresh in a slightly less informal email. Almost immediately the protests ceased. To be fair, this school costs too damn much in the first place. I’d shut the fuck up too. However, as the fracking ensued, many were still outraged.
“What do you MEAN they’re fracking on Trinity? There isn’t even any oil in Vermont!” exclaimed Rowan Lilly, a freshman who learned that Vermont is landlocked approximately two weeks ago. Well, was landlocked. According to UVM’s geology department, also conveniently located on Trinity Campus, Vermont has begun shifting towards the Atlantic Ocean at an alarming rate.
“This fracking venture is quite literally going to have us swimming with the fishes,” claims department head Jeans Louise. “At this rate, Burlington will be underwater by 2025. Our current class of freshmen won’t even be able to graduate!”
Speaking of the geology department, the new lack of federal funding has forced the department to shut its doors for good. Too many woke liberal crystal geology bitches refused to work for Big Oil, and there’s no money in geology without succumbing to the will of Big Oil. Perhaps a few professors will be salvaged as the fracking project expands. I’m sure they’ll hit oil eventually? Right? But for now, I guess all us Trinity residents can do is wear gas masks and remember to fill up the Brita.