a message of welcome… to the students… of the future

by erintroiana

Dear Prospective UVM Class of 2027,

We know the college application process has made life into a lit crazy movie and things are intense, so we thought that we’d share some information to help you with your decision journey.

Vermont – the beautiful green mountain state. When you think progressive future-conscious environmental policies, you think of Vermont. That’s why we make sure to use environmentally friendly, single use, non-biodegradable plastic at every single opportunity, exemplified by the plastic utensils – and the paper plates – that are used and thrown away by the thousands at Central Dining every single day!

And speaking of Central’s food, don’t worry, it won’t make you shit your pants constantly, that’s what Harris- Millis, affectionately nicknamed the Grundle by our creative students, is for. We see it as a sustainable, economically conscious way of reducing our consumption of over the counter laxatives.

Our dining halls are conveniently spread out around our plentiful living accommodations. All rooms that are triples were designed that way, even if this is the first time in their history of being utilized as such. We do not have forced triples; those do not exist here at UVM. If anyone tells you that they do, they are lying to you and you should remove them from your life.

Also, in order to promote mingling in dorms, we converted roughly half of the common rooms into housing to help people congregate in the few remaining, not because we didn’t have enough space. There will be space for you in campus housing your sophomore year!*

We promise we will spend your tuition money on what really matters. Not to spoil anything but we are thinking of adding to the Pi statue on the Fleming Green- We’re contemplating a forty foot long division sign! Who wouldn’t want another random math symbol? That is the most important use of the hundreds of thousands of dollars we receive annually, rather than addressing the nonexistent problem of our valued employees not being paid a livable wage for how expensive things are in Burlington.

Speaking of Burlington, did you know it was ranked America’s number one college town? Just a short walk or bus ride away from campus, Church Street offers an amazing variety of stores and restaurants to be enjoyed during the daytime. Daytime!

You will feel connected to the town by the near weekly police reports about robbery, homicides, and more! UVM offers the perfect atmosphere to make new friends. We provide lots of fun events, like concerts and hikes, and don’t worry, you won’t be able to get a ticket to any of them.

Additionally, a majority of our students, especially female-identifying ones, report needing a walking buddy at night. We are not sure why and don’t tell us – we are very busy right now.

We listen to our student body. It is part of our core value of respect that we are so committed to that we carved them into stones outside the Davis Center, and we think that is enough, don’t you?

Well, we’ve gotten a bit distracted here. We’re just so random and quirky like that here at UVM. We are so excited for you to join us here on campus next fall!


UVM Department of Student Life

*Not a legally binding promise.

Categories: cooler, oct 11

%d bloggers like this: