by lindsayhaigh
Calling all ASMR enthusiasts, risk takers, and people with spinal issues. Semester got you tight? Are you craving the sweet release of a good ol’ pippity pop? Well, you’re in luck! The Crackamounts are back in town. “Our student chiropractors are eager to get you crackin’ in ways you never thought possible. We may not be licensed, but we’ve got the spirit!” stated club president Jackie Lumbar.
The Crackamounts are bringing new life and good vibes to the liminal space that is Howe floor three. What is usually an atmosphere thick with academic stress and deadline tension is becoming a space of health and healing. It is truly an experience for all senses. Feel the soothing, yet powerful force of a Crackamount’s paws on each vertebrate. Smell the endearingly musky scent of education permeating through the air. Bask in the gentle glow of a Himalayan salt lamp; those ions are probably doing something! There are a lot of things you could theoretically taste in there, such as a desk, or the carpet.
Here is a list of sounds I heard: *Pop* *Crunch* *Moan* (?) “Oooooh” “Aaaaaah” *Boioioioing*
If one thing is for sure, the Crackamounts do not hold back! “I had no idea my neck could rotate that far,” exclaimed a client who was visibly taller, “they let that thang rip like a bayblade!”. But the raving reviews didn’t stop there. “They put their whole chiropractussy into that,” chortled Blörstovøk the shadow figure. Thank you Blörstovøk! “I can’t feel my legs”, gloated another satisfied student. It is clear that the Crackamounts are off to a stellar start. But with any success story comes a few haters. Longtime faculty member Trellis Stapleton said, “I’m actually shocked this got cleared again after the incident back in the ’80s.” I literally have no idea he was talking about. He’s probably just upset his name is Trellis. Nonetheless, the Crackamounts persisted.
“We proudly serve people of all ages. Whether you know how to operate a rotary phone, or are just one year old, we will crack your back like a crab!” continued Lumbar. So come on up to Howe floor three and tap into your inner glowstick.
The Crackamounts will not be required to provide compensation for any harm or loss suffered as a result of voluntarily receiving a chiropractic adjustment. These complications include but are not limited to: fractures, disc injuries, dislocations, muscle strain, perma- nent thottie posture, separations, bruising, and burns. Some types of manipulations of the neck have been associated with injuries to the arteries in the neck leading to or contribut- ing to serious complications including stroke.
Categories: around town, freyja feeney, lindsay haigh, oct 11, vol 26