Warren Buffet is attributed to saying “Every decade or so, dark clouds will fill the economic skies, and they will briefly rain gold.” Well folks, between record set- ting inflation, near total Brandonization, and a mysteriously ruptured natural gas pipeline, it seems about time to set your financial rain barrels and ensure you don’t get clocked by a Credit Suisse ingot during this extreme weather event. Here is the water tower’s official financial guide to survive, and thrive, during this turmoil.
1: Receive your BFA
Bread and circuses are what staved off the masses from noticing the collapse of the Roman empire. With Russia and Ukraine supplying the majority of the world’s wheat, it’s clear you need to short bread and double down on the circuses. With your Bachelor’s of Fine Arts, you can enter into the only real industry that has to stay afloat at the end of the day, entertainment. Become a famous actor or successful producer because no one knows who the recession will hit hardest, but we know it won’t be Tinseltown.
2: Invest in a Boat
Contrary to popular belief, boats are a great investment. Why do you think all rich people have them if they are a bad investment? Not only is a boat a great way to get away from it all, you cannot be held responsible for any financial crimes you may or may not commit in the heat of the moment if you’re sunbathing in international waters.
3: Buy a Coffee Maker
Are you seriously still spending $6 bucks a day on damn Starbucks! What happened to when coffee was just coffee? Do you really need an iced-venti-safe-space- mocha-chino every morning? Whatever it’s called, it’s draining your bank account. Take that $15 a day and put it into a NASDAQ inverse ETF, or a down pay- ment on a fallout shelter. God, I hate woke Starbucks!
4: Bring Cash to the Spot at Midnight
Get in on the ground floor at a brand new, incred- ibly moral impact investment hedge fund. We are currently accepting investments for VIPs only in the form of nonconsecutive bills. $20s and $10s only. Wait for the signal. Make sure you aren’t followed. No sud- den movements. Estimated 3-8% annual returns. Will distribute quarterly reports by messenger pigeon.
5: The Patagonia Method
This may not apply to most readers, but I know some of you are heading a massive clothing brand. Say you want to shed the functionally consequence- less label of being a billionaire owner, but still want to retain power and money. Put all of your money into a non-profit trust controlled by your family who owns the business. That money is now tax-free and if you play your cards right you can save up to 700 million dollars. Take what Uncle Sam would have stolen and give yourself a nice salary with those overhead costs.
6: Panic Withdrawal
The second that you see the floor start to go out on the Dow Jones, immediately liquidate all of your assets. Additionally, rush to your local bank and demand the withdrawal of both your checking and savings account. The FDIC has never been put to a real stress test and you don’t want the egg on your face when it matters. Top analysts say wearing a dark wool overcoat, a felt hat, waving a piece of paper in the air, and chewing on the end of an unlit cigar will increase teller engagement by 24%.
I hope you carry this advice near and dear to you over the coming months. I also hope you acknowledge the water tower is not responsible for any losses you may experience while following these tips. May Lady Fortune find you in the darkest night.